What is a conflict? First and foremost, conflicts are unpleasant. They drain our resources and diminish our quality of life. There is every reason to do something about them!
A conflict typically starts with a disagreement, which in itself is not a problem. It can even be enlightening, expand your perspective and lead to positive changes, innovation, and growth – provided the disagreement is handled in a respectful, constructive, and appropriate manner.
The point at which a disagreement turns into a conflict is typically when a very specific issue comes into play: namely ‘frozen’ consciousness (often in the form of habits, beliefs, and convictions) and the resulting negative emotions that arise when you get the idea or unconscious sense that there is danger, a real threat.
From there, we shirk personal responsibility for finding a solution, attack the other party, and begin to assign ‘blame’ for this or that. In other words: we create a separation between ourself and the the other party. After this, the process escalates, and the relationship between the parties deteriorates more and more … depending on how far it goes.
What is a conflict? A conflict is defined as a situation involving significant disagreement, tension, strife, struggle, or even war between two or more parties, which can include individuals, groups, organizations, cultures, religions, or nations.
Conflicts are usually said to arise when the people involved have different viewpoints, interests, needs, goals, values, beliefs, habits, or behaviors. While this is correct on a superficial level, there is also a deeper truth.
The underlying reality is that the parties simply lack awareness and use their consciousness dysfunctionally and ineffectively!
In this article, we will first focus on ‘what is a conflict’ in terms of how a conflict manifests (e.g., with whom and about what), and then ‘look behind’ the conflict to understand why it occurs. Finally, we will explore why people sometimes don’t want to resolve conflicts.
Here is a concrete overview of this article: “What Is a Conflict and Why Does It Happen? – Why Do We Disagree? The Fundamental Reasons”.
– Examples of Conflicts – Who Are We in Conflict With, What Do We Have Conflicts About, and What Types of Conflicts Do We Have?
– The First Culprit Behind Conflict – Frozen Consciousness and Relativity
– The Second Culprit Behind Conflict – Beliefs and Convictions
– The Third Culprit Behind Conflict – Unmet and Unconscious Needs
– When Conflict Is Desired and Conflict Resolution is Futile – Scarcity and Zero-Sum Thinking Create Relentless Greed
Examples of Conflicts
– Who Do We Have Conflicts With, What Do We Have Conflicts About, and What Types of Conflicts Do We Have?
In principle, anything in human life can lead to a conflict. To make matters even more complex, we are often in conflict with ourselves.
Here are some of the areas where we can come into conflict with others, followed by an overview of what we typically have conflicts about, i.e., the types of conflicts that exist … and here comes the interesting part, which is what actually causes us to get into conflicts.
Who We Can Have Conflicts With
Here are some of the people we can come into conflict with:
• Family, including for example siblings, children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, cousins, etc.
• Partners in all types of relationships, both romantic, sexual, polyamorous (polyamory), marriage, etc.
• People in other relationships
… including for example: friends, acquaintances, neighbors, colleagues, bosses, business partners, and various others
• Institutions, organizations, systems, etc.
… including for example: companies, schools, organizations, associations, public authorities, etc.
Topics We Typically Have Conflicts About
If we set aside conflicts between cultures, religions, ideologies, races, nations, and so forth, and focus on everyday life during peacetime, we can divide our lives into personal and professional spheres and list some common issues that can cause conflict:
In our personal life, for example, we might have conflicts about: traditions, habits, norms, beliefs, religion, politics, love (e.g., ways to express it), sex (how, with whom, how often, etc.), communication, presence (e.g., lack of presence), friendship, trust, jealousy, expectations, household chores and division of labor, work-life balance, finances, parenting and parental roles, having more children or not, need for personal time and space versus family demands, holidays (Christmas, New Year, etc.), life transitions (weddings, births, divorces, etc.), family events (gatherings, parties, etc.), housing, interior design, belongings and material things, moving, personal development, spiritual development, busyness and stress, health (e.g., exercise habits, eating habits, supplements, alternative treatments, mental health, etc.), personal preferences and habits (e.g., precision, time management and alone time, entertainment, eating habits, etc.), and much more.
In our work life we might have conflicts about: roles, tasks, division of responsibilities, task allocation (who does what), collaboration and teamwork, workload, work-life balance, stress, communication (e.g., poor communication or lack of information), resources (e.g., time, money, staff, and equipment), management style and decision-making, ambiguity and disagreement about goals and values, favoritism or unfair treatment, performance goals and evaluations, (lack of) recognition, salary or other compensation and rewards, promotions, professional disagreements, work environment, office layout and facilities, cultural differences, change (e.g., changes in structures, procedures, or policies due to restructuring, development, or downsizing), control or monitoring, micromanagement, personal habits, hygiene or behavior, development opportunities (e.g., training opportunities, further education, and career development), lack of feedback or constructive criticism, ineffective meetings and other time-wasting activities, personal disagreements, and much more.
In other words: We can really come into conflict with each other about all sorts of things. The possibilities are endless. 🙂
Next, it’s time to look at the types of conflicts that can arise based on what is behind the conflict – and not least, explore how they might be resolved or at least gain more insight into them by reading more about them:
Types of Conflicts Based on Beliefs and Convictions
Beliefs / Convictions as a Lens examines conflict through the perspective of personal beliefs, religion, ideology, and similar factors. One might discuss, for example:
Person-Based and Personal Conflicts
These are conflicts based on personal factors, such as innate personality, ego-personality (see for example the Enneagram), behavior, communication, emotions, personal opinions, attitudes, and beliefs, and so on. This type of conflict is extremely common, and most of us are likely to experience it at some point.
Fortunately, this is usually something that doesn’t disturb us too much … but sometimes it does, and then we might need things like psychotherapy, couples therapy, family therapy, or conflict resolution.
Well-known names in the field of personal and individual conflicts include Morton Deutsch, Max H. Bazerman, Judith A. Myers-Walls, as well as Amos Tversky and his collaborator and co-author Daniel Kahneman.
Ethnic and Cultural Conflicts
Conflicts can arise when different ethnic or cultural groups have differing beliefs and perceptions about, for example, territory, identity, rights, history, worldview, and values. These differences (and “cultural insensitivity”) can lead to misunderstandings, stereotypes, communication problems, discrimination, inequality, and similar issues – and not least, conflicts.
For more information on this lens or angle on conflict, specifically how ethnic and cultural factors influence conflict, you might check out anthropologist Edward T. Hall, sociology professor Patricia Hill Collins, cultural analyst Geert Hofstede (with his work-based company here), anthropologist Mary Douglas, sociologist Jonathan H. Turner, psychologist John W. Berry, and sociologist John Rex.
Ideological Conflicts
Ideologies are ideas, thoughts, beliefs – essentially “mental constructs” – often of a rather extensive and complex nature. Sometimes, an ideology can be so extensive and complex that it almost (but not quite) resembles what we (Birgitte and Søren) refer to as a consciousness operating system: a set of overarching beliefs that guide our consciousness and thus our entire lives.
Ideologies often represent competing worldviews, values, interests, and goals, and can polarize individuals, societies, and cultures in a harmful way – potentially igniting conflicts.
Ideologies are often given a name ending in “-ism,” such as … capitalism, socialism, communism, nationalism, anarchism, conservatism, liberalism, feminism, despotism, and transhumanism – as well as a “thin” ideology like populism, which can be freely combined with nearly any other type of (traditional) ideology and is often used by (demagogues).
(Regarding populism, it makes sense to assume that various types of inequality and / or dissatisfaction with the existing situation are necessary for populism to gain serious traction – in other words, populism becomes popular when existing leaders haven’t done their job well enough).
Notable figures in the field of ideological conflicts include for example:
Arlie Russell Hochschild – a sociologist who has researched how human emotions may underpin moral beliefs, practices, and social life in general as well as how how ideological divides affect social and political conflicts.
Philosopher and ethics professor Martha Nussbaum, who has broad interests (including various philosophies, political science, feminism, and ethics, including human rights and animal rights) has written many books that explore ideological conflicts.
Historian, activist, journalist, author, and political commentator Tariq Ali explores the intersection of ideologies, global politics, and conflicts.
Political scientist John Mearsheimer (Wikipedia page here) examines international relations and the role of great power ideologies in shaping global conflicts.
Sociologist Amitai Etzioni (born Werner Falk) focuses on communitarianism, including ideological debates and conflicts between individualism and communitarian values.
Susan Strange was an economist, journalist, and professor of international political economy (a field she nearly defined and created, which deals with how politics shapes the global economy and vice versa) explored the influence of economic ideologies on global power struggles.
Religious Conflicts
These are disagreements and conflicts rooted in religious beliefs and, notably, organized religion. Such conflicts have been observed for as long as both things have existed.
Adherents of a religion – often incited by the religion’s priests and religious leaders – are intolerant of, hate, oppress, or even wage war and murder adherents of other religions – and perhaps do the same to people who do not particularly believe in any religion. Religious fanaticism is, of course, particularly adept at creating conflicts.
Religion is still a major source of conflicts in many countries and parts of the world, including, for example, several places in Africa and the Middle East, India, Myanmar (Burma), and Ireland, as illustrated by this map.
Conflicts can also arise when secular (worldly) beliefs and values clash with religious beliefs, such as in politics.
Notable figures, researchers, and thinkers within this “sub-lens” of conflict viewed through the light of beliefs and convictions include:
History professor Robert Scott Appleby who focuses on religion from a global perspective and its relationship to peace and conflict, as well as human development.
Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900), who disliked religions for many reasons – except to some extent Buddhism, which, in most versions, encourages exploring one’s own consciousness and finding one’s own answers, and which he considered better suited to fostering critical thinking than most other religions.
Professor Marc Gopin who studies value dilemmas in global conflicts and various contexts where religion and culture play a crucial role in conflicts and conflict resolution, and seeks strategies to handle complex conflicts.
Richard Dawkins, who argues that organized religion is one of the major sources of conflict in the world.
Professor Diana L. Eck, who studies religious pluralism (different ‘valid’ perspectives), especially as it manifests in the USA, where in a single city like Boston there can be many different religious groups forced to coexist.
Also notable is Karen Armstrong (Wikipedia page here), who advocates for understanding and compassion and was the initiator of the now widely known ‘Charter for Compassion’).
It is also worth mentioning the organization Religions for Peace (Wikipedia page here), which is an international coalition of representatives from the world’s religions dedicated to promoting peace.
Moral and Ethical Conflicts
The last “sub-lens” of conflict seen in the light of beliefs and convictions is disagreements over moral and ethical principles, which can also lead to conflicts. We have seen examples within bioethics, the environment, and human rights. If you want to read more, you can check out Jonathan Haidt.
In other words: We can come into conflict with just about anyone over almost anything, based on all sorts of things under the sun, but underneath there are almost always one or more of a few basic things …
The First Culprit Behind Conflict
– Frozen Consciousness and Relativity
The various people, organizations, and systems we can come into conflict with, and all the many things we can come into conflict over, seem quite overwhelming, don’t they?
But here at goodconsciouslife.com, we like to keep things simple and manageable. Therefore, we would like to point out ONE single thing that is almost always the actual cause of why we get involved in a conflict.
And once we have done that, we will break this one thing down into a few sub-elements. This should make things much more manageable – also with regard to understanding how we can resolve conflicts.
Overall, the one thing in human life that especially causes conflict is: ‘frozen’ and limited consciousness, which is used dysfunctionally and ineffectively!
Consciousness limitations often take the form of what we at Good Conscious Life call consciousness programming, including, for example, beliefs (faith) and mindsets, culture, religion, expectations, habits, norms, and not least our ego and what we can call our human “consciousness operating system” (which are some overarching beliefs that steer and shape our consciousness).
All the limitations of consciousness we have, we have chosen ourselves … But we often chose them completely unconsciously. This can be as a reaction to external influences and / or something within ourselves – typically something unpleasant. For example, it can be: old traumas, shadow sides (parts of ourselves we don’t want to acknowledge), stress, “attention thieves” of various kinds (e.g., social media, fear-based news, etc.), or physical and mental imbalances.
The good news is, because we chose them ourselves, we also have the possibility to choose anew:
All these things limit our consciousness, and while some of them can be challenging to change, it IS actually possible. We can even completely let go of them and free our consciousness, making it larger, more spacious, and more functional – and give ourselves and those people we come into contact with a better life, with much less conflict.
False Truth (Relativity) Creates Separation and Is Thus the Breeding Ground for Conflict
If we are to point to one specific thing that freezes and limits our consciousness and makes us more prone to conflicts, it is this:
The belief that relative things are real and true – which can also be called the belief in separation and non-wholeness. This belief creates conflict, a poor life experience, and a bad life in practice for everyone.
Yes, it sounds a bit philosophical, but please give it a chance as we will try to explain it …
Relativity’s job Is to Set Something in Relation to Something Else: to Create Separation
Relativity means “something in relation to something else”, which essentially means: separation and non-wholeness. Some examples of this could be:
– “Clever” in relation to “stupid”
– “Fat” in relation to “thin”
– “Right” in relation to “wrong”
– “Us” in relation to “them”
– “Me” in relation to “you”
– “Me” in relation to “the world, life, and the universe”
As strange as it may sound, none of the above expressions are true or real – they are ideas, thoughts, judgments, opinions, nothing more. They are all relative, meaning not ultimately true.
If we humans use our consciousness to believe things like “We are right and clever, but the others are wrong and stupid,” we create separation and non-wholeness, which very easily leads to conflict and a reduced quality of life.
It is much more beneficial to either simply accept that people are as they are or to believe in unity and wholeness with something like: “We are right and clever, and so are the others. In fact, the others aren’t even ‘the others,’ but just people like us”.
In other words:
Believing in relative (= untrue, unreal) things disturbs and distorts our consciousness – it makes us believe, feel, and think unclearly, and act dysfunctionally.
Disturbed, unclear beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and actions are the breeding ground for conflict. They destroy our own and others people’s quality of life. In other words, relative ‘stuff’ don’t work.
The underlying truth and reality (that-which-is) doesn’t create conflict; it resolves conflicts and gives ourselves, everything, and everyone a good life experience – it works.
We humans can therefore choose to use our consciousness and will on something conflict-creating that doesn’t work (belief in the relative) OR on something conflict-resolving that does (the truth, reality, that-which-is). For example, by openly investigating how things actually fit together.
The Second Culprit Behind Conflict
– Beliefs and Convictions
We briefly touched on beliefs and convictions above, but we believe it is such an extremely important and fascinating topic both in general and especially in relation to conflict, that we are giving it it’s own separate section here.
Even though many of us are often very attached to whatever we believe in, beliefs, religions, ideologies, morals, ethics, and similar concepts are essentially just ideas and opinions. In other words, they are purely mental constructs. Or, if you will, figments of the imagination.
Therefore, it can be surprising that they can lead to so many conflicts of various kinds, even to murder and war. But that’s how it is with beliefs; we care about them deeply.
In our opinion, it looks like this:
Beliefs Are Mental Constructs and NOT Reality or Truth
First, it must be established that beliefs and convictions are NOT reality or truth – they are merely ideas, mental constructs – essentially thought patterns of relativity. A belief or conviction is our best GUESS at what the truth or reality of something might be.
We only have beliefs and convictions about things we do not know for certain! (For example, we have no beliefs about the existence of our navel – we know it is there).
Why We Are So Strongly Attached to Our Beliefs and Convictions
Said in more practical and concrete terms, our attachment to various types of beliefs and convictions is primarily due to the fact that we allow our beliefs to define both our worldview and our self-image / identity.
And bingo! Two things happen:
1. Our self-created, virtual (not objectively true) reality feels threatened by other worldviews.
2. Our self-created, virtual (not objectively true) identity feels threatened by other identities.
1. Our Self-Created Reality Feels Threatened by Other Worldviews
When we let beliefs and convictions guide our worldview and perspective on life, we are essentially telling ourselves that what we believe is real and true – that it is reality. We allow our beliefs to define our reality, even if that belief is just a guess-based construct of relativity.
If someone “threatens” our beliefs and convictions – e.g., by holding a different belief – they are essentially threatening our entire worldview and reality – and our experience. And so, we will fight for our beliefs and convictions!
2. Our Self-Created, Virtual Identity Feels Threatened by Other Identities
It’s exactly the same with our identity. If someone “threatens” our self-created self-image – e.g., by having a different identity than our own – we feel that they are threatening us simply by being different. And of course, we cannot tolerate people with a different culture, sexuality, religion, ideology, or appearance.
This is quite serious for us: When we are identified with our beliefs, when we feel that we ARE what we believe in, defending our beliefs suddenly becomes the same as defending ourselves – almost as if we are fighting for our lives.
But it remains a misunderstanding: All people are valuable as they are, and none of us ARE the constructs we happen to believe in at any given moment.
Point 1 and 2 above are true, whether the belief is based on personal convictions, cultural beliefs, religious beliefs, or political and ideological beliefs.
A Tragicomic Fact: Truth Can Never Be Threatened, Because It ‘Just Is’
The totally tragicomic aspect is that we do NOT think about this:
If our beliefs and convictions were actually the truth and reality, then nothing could threaten them! Because then everything would actually be exactly as we believe. There would be nothing to defend.
Our beliefs and convictions have created a relative, personal reality for us, which can only be threatened BECAUSE it is virtual and NOT true or real!
Unconsciously, we are well aware that our beliefs and convictions are fragile constructs. That’s why we are so afraid of having them “threatened.”
It’s now quite clear why there is so much potential of conflict in beliefs and convictions.
Two General Mindsets – Which One Do You Have?
If we take this to an even higher (and more fundamental) level, we can generally talk about two types of mindsets we can have.
In broad terms, we can start from either:
• Separation (relativity, differences, and “us-versus-them” thinking). The belief in separation and relativity, along with the associated choices and actions, fosters and escalates conflicts.
or
• Unity (similarities, community, and “we-are-all-in-the-same-boat” thinking). The belief in unity and the associated choices and actions do the opposite, namely, prevent and resolve conflicts.
It’s that simple.
The Third Culprit Behind Conflict
– Unmet and Unconscious Needs
So now we know:
It is frozen and limited consciousness, used dysfunctionally, such as believing in things full of relativity (= lies), that lies beneath conflict and forms the basis for it.
But we’re missing one final ingredient in our “conflict stew”. It’s a rather important ingredient, as it’s the one that drives us. It’s the one that gives us the energy in our conflicts, namely needs.
Our human needs are a very powerful (and usually quite unconscious) driving force and motivation.
Needs combined with frozen and limited consciousness, used dysfunctionally to believe in relativity-based stuff, is the perfect cocktail for creating and maintaining conflict!
We all experience having needs, don’t we? And we consider them to be very important. But we haven’t consciously examined them or made deliberate choices about them. We don’t really know much about them, yet we let them control us.
So we think and feel something like: “Well, I HAVE to have this need fulfilled, so it’s okay for me to behave as unpleasantly as I do towards others and the world.”
This kind of unconscious behavior is harmful. If it weren’t such a relative expression, one might call it “evil”.
Unconscious and Unmet Needs Create Antisocial Behavior, Greed, and ‘Evil’
If you’ve ever wondered where the world’s “evil,” conflicts, and destructive behavior come from, you now have a significant part of the answer:
Human “evil” stems from unconsciousness – more specifically, from limited, misused consciousness combined with the drive from unconscious and unmet needs.
Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) was a pioneer and leading expert on needs, and he identified eight fundamental human needs, which can be placed in a so-called hierarchy of needs.
Needs can be ‘sliced’ in various ways, and we ourselves prefer to work with 12 fundamental needs, each of which can have two directions; but boiled down, we can talk about four groups of needs:
– Survival needs
– Social needs
– Higher needs (for integrity, harmony, play, development, and self-realization)
– Spiritual needs (for transcendence and meaning)
These needs are actually relative – each and every one of them, including survival needs. This means:
– Our needs are not as important as we (unconsciously) make them out to be, and …
– We have much more control over them than we think …
… if we become aware of them and make conscious decisions about them.
The best thing we can do with our needs is to become aware of them and make conscious decisions about them – especially the decision about what “enough” is for each need.
If we don’t know what “enough” is, we risk becoming endlessly greedy and constantly chasing needs that are actually already met but which we believe and feel are not.
For example, when the world’s wealthiest people chase ever more wealth, it’s often because they feel insecure about whether their needs are being met. Perhaps the next billion or two will make them feel more secure?
From an external perspective, it obviously makes no sense, but for them it does – because they haven’t clarified exactly what their needs are and what “enough” is, i.e., when their needs are fulfilled.
In addition to causing behavior that is inefficient and often harmful to others and the world when people are unaware of their needs and haven’t made decisions about them, the insecurity and fear in such a situation are also not pleasant experiences. It is a genuine lose-lose situation (the opposite of a win-win situation) – all parties lose.
When Conflict Is Desired and Conflict Resolution is Futile
– Scarcity and Zero-Sum Thinking Create Uncompromising Greed
Do both parties actually want to resolve their conflict? If not – if they have opposite intentions (they want conflict) then there is no basis for conflict resolution.
This often happens if one of the parties uses zero-sum thinking. This is based on the (usually incorrect) idea that resources are limited and one can only win by having other people lose. This is effective scarcity thinking with all its negative consequences, such as those described in the book Scarcity.
Scarcity thinking, often arising from fear and stress, is stressful in itself, which makes everything worse. The fact is, fear and stress make us stupid, they ‘eat’ at our cognitive abilities; they ‘consume’ our mental resources and, over time, can cause our brains to shrink – literally!
In short, frightened and stressed individuals make poor decisions and engage in stupid behavior.
Zero-sum thinking, scarcity thinking, and stress, which impair cognitive function, are just some of the reasons why one or both parties in a conflict might avoid addressing or resolving it. True foolishness (a lack of intelligence, knowledge, and understanding), greed, hatred, or a sense of one’s own superiority (which often actually stems from low self-esteem, or a sense of personal inferiority) are other typical reasons why people might resist resolving conflicts, and there are likely many more.
Examples of “No-Chance-for-Conflict-Resolution” Situations
From a geopolitical perspective, there are clear examples such as:
– When Germany, the Soviet Union (Russia), and Slovakia jointly invaded Poland in September 1939, starting World War II. Germany and the Soviet Union then divided Poland between them.
– When Adolf Hitler and the Nazi regime in Germany systematically murdered 6 million Jews, plus an unknown number (likely over a million) of Gypsies, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, political opponents, and the mentally disabled in death camps during the Holocaust.
– In 1994, when the Hutu tribe in Rwanda planned and executed a genocide against the Tutsi tribe, which cost over a million Tutsis their lives.
– Recently we had Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in February 2022, where Russia, as Amnesty International describes here (Danish link), is not only waging a war of conquest but systematically bombing the civilian population, executing civilians, and forcibly relocating Ukrainian civilians (including many children) to Russia.
In these four examples, there is a clear aggressor with no desire for peace and a party that is clearly the victim, defending itself as best as it can. The aggressor’s motive and goal are not peace, but war, conquest, or even annihilation.
When one party in a conflict, as is the case in these examples, acts not only greedily and unethically but actually demonically, and clearly has no interest in resolving the conflict, there is simply nothing to negotiate, and thus, no immediate basis for conflict resolution.
For this reason, the parties’ intentions and willingness to resolve the conflict are the first things to check when considering attempting conflict resolution.
Fortunately, the vast majority of conflicts are not characterized by the extreme behavior seen in the examples above, but rather by a genuine desire from both parties to end the conflict with a good solution.
What Would You Like to Read Now?
 Go to the ‘mother page’ for conflict: Good Conflict Management and Resolution– How Do You Practice It Best? |
Other Pages Related to This Topic
How Do You Handle Conflict? |
The Conflict Escalation Model |
Theories about Conflict Management and Conflict from Different Scientific Disciplines and Topics |
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