How do you handle conflict? We all know that it can be really difficult to navigate well in a conflict. This is why we’ve created this hands-on article about strategies for effective conflict resolution and practical conflict management.
Typically, the more involved you are in a conflict, the harder it may seem to figure out how to resolve it well.
Below you’ll find an overview of the content of this article. If there is a topic or area you already know you want to read more about, you can jump directly to it by clicking on the link. If you want to read the article in its entirety, you are of course welcome to just continue reading in good old chronological order.
– How do you handle conflict? Conflict resolution strategies for the entire process – Before, during, between, and after the conflict conversation
– Before the conflict conversation – Prepare with awareness, knowledge, desires, and positive intentions
– During the conflict conversation (approach and behavior) – Create a space with curiosity, recognition, agreement on ground rules, and let go of everything that isn’t important
– During the conflict conversation (communication) – Stay on your own side of the court, focus on what’s positive, and be open to constructive criticism
– Between the conflict conversations – Foster further awareness and practice self-care
– After the conflict is resolved – Learn from the conflict and follow-up
– Books on conflict management and resolution – A Bonus, if you want to know more
As mentioned, this article is about practical conflict management and conflict resolution. We also have other closely related articles if you want to read something more general about conflict management, about what a conflict actually is, or what the well-known conflict escalation model is all about.
How Do You Handle Conflict? Conflict Resolution Strategies for the Entire Process
– Before, During, Between, and After the Conflict Conversation
In the following, we will present a number of options for effective, practical conflict management and resolution. We will cover the entire process and provide effective conflict resolution strategies that can help you successfully navigate through a conflict.
Before the Conflict Conversation
– Prepare with Awareness, Knowledge, Desires, and Positive Intentions
Learn Something about Consciousness … and Expand Your Own Consciousness
If you know a bit about us, Søren and Birgitte, or our website, you will know that we believe everything starts and ends with consciousness. This is also the case with conflicts. Therefore, it’s not surprising that the first section of this article on ‘How do you handle conflict?’ is about consciousness.
A conflict begins in consciousness – usually due to a LACK OF CONSCIOUSNESS – and it is therefore with consciousness that you resolve it.
Here is a simple correlation between the amount of consciousness people have and their ability to resolve a conflict: The more conscious awareness the parties have about themselves and the conflict, the better they can handle their conflict – and the quicker it will be resolved. (And the less likely it will be that new conflicts arise).
Even if only one party increases his / her awareness, it can accelerate the process significantly.
Becoming more consciously aware is: making your consciousness larger (expanding it) and making it more whole, clear, and balanced, so it can: comprehend more, encompass more, and understand more, so you can get closer to an understanding of that-which-is (truth in a more absolute sense and reality as it actually is).
Initially, it is beneficial to become aware of: yourself, the other party, and the situation – but also, more broadly, about people in general and life in general.
There are many different correlations between consciousness, life and experience that are beneficial to understand, and this is valuable regardles of wheter you are in a conflict or not. Some of this you can learnhe more knowledge, understanding, and training you have, the stronger you will be more about in personal development and spiritual development.
Acknowledge the Conflict
Conflicts are uncomfortable, so it’s tempting to try to ignore them. However, this is a bad idea, as it can easily lead to the parties becoming increasingly frustrated, and the conflict escalating – until it erupts at the most inconvenient time.
It is better to address a conflict as soon as it arises, if possible. If it’s not possible, start handling and resolving the conflict as quickly as you can.
Learn Something about Good Conflict Management and Resolution
It’s worth investing some attention, time, and energy (and perhaps money) into learning about conflict resolution strategies, conflict management, and conflict resolution. Reading this webpage about ‘How do you handle conflict?’ is helpful, but there are also countless books and resources on these topics.
You might also consider participating in a course, workshop, or training program in conflict management and resolution to gain practical skills and effective conflict resolution tools as well as training. The more knowledge, understanding, and training you have, the stronger you will become.
Learn About Egos, Including Your Own
The conflict almost certainly involves different personalities, including your own. And then there are egos. The ego is not the same as the innate personality. The ego is more like a program – like a computer program, but for consciousness.
And because the ego is a program, it is quite predictable … You can read about it in a book such as The Wisdom of the Enneagram.
Understanding your own ego and the egos of others will greatly strengthen your position in a conflict situation (and in life in general).
Be Honest About Your Desires, Needs, and Goals
A conflict can easily be perceived as a battle where you need to hide your true intentions and possibly exaggerate your desires, needs, and goals, so you have something to compromise on if the resolution involves a compromise. This is an understandable mindset, but it is counterproductive.
Why? Because the best resolution is not a compromise, but rather a win-win situation that provides everyone with what they actually need, and this can only be achieved through honesty.
In fact, it is often the case that the parties initially may not even know what they truly need. However, with mutual honesty, they can make each other aware of their true needs.
If you choose to involve a neutral third party (e.g., a conflict mediator) he / she can help the parties become more aware, find effective conflict resolution strategies, and create win-win solutions.
Meet Face-to-Face, Choose a Neutral Location, and Avoid Attending the Meeting Feeling Hungry
Experience shows that face-to-face meetings often result in better and fairer solutions than, for example, written negotiations.
Additionally, the location of the conflict conversation is by no means irrelevant. It should be a neutral place where you won’t be interrupted.
The timing should also be considered; avoid scheduling the meeting just before lunch or dinner, as hungry people are rarely good at sensible negotiation.
Prepare for the Conflict Conversation
You may need to create a list of points to be discussed. In some cases, you might even prepare a “framework agreement” in advance, which is an agreement in draft with some blank lines to be filled in by the parties. (An example of a detailed framework agreement is the standard purchase and sale form used by real estate agents).
If you create a framework agreement in draft, be sure to write “Preliminary draft, no one is bound by anything contained herein” or something similar at the top, otherwise, it may come across as provocative or manipulative.
It can also be a good idea to have an understanding of the individuals you will be facing, what they stand for, and what they have done in the past – and how.
Don’t Forget Motivation
Conflicts are unusually “expensive” for both parties. Personal resources (energy, time, attention, quality of life, and joy) drain away from those involved in a conflict, and often the conflict also incurs financial costs.
This fact – along with the fact that collaboration provides significant benefits to both parties – is two of the most motivating reasons to resolve conflicts in a way that benefits everyone (win-win).
Visualize a Positive Outcome
It’s a good idea to be clear about what a successful conflict resolution looks like for you. (A tip: try to avoid imagining a “I need to overpower the other party and win” situation, as that is effectively a pseudo-solution – rather, imagine a solution that both parties benefit from, a win-win situation). Visualize it in detail and write it down.
When the end goal is clear to you, it will be easier to navigate.
Take It All Seriously, But Don’t Become too Serious
Unless it’s a matter of war or similar, conflicts are actually rarely as serious as we can often make them out to be. If you can view the situation from a higher perspective and with a sense of humor, things generally become much easier.
Taking things seriously but in a non-grave or non-solemn way is an approach that can be beneficial in all aspects of life, not just in conflict management and resolution.
During the Conflict Conversation (Approach and Behavior)
– Create a Space with Openness, Curiosity, Recognition, Agreement on Ground Rules, and Let Go of What’s Not Important
Be Curious and Open to Learning New Things
Most of us enter a conflict conversation or mediation with our defenses up, ready to fight. That’s okay, but when we try to be open to new things, tap into our curiosity, and consciously choose to learn more about ourselves, the other party, and the situation, we will gain more in the long run.
It is good to ask yourself: What is this really about? What is the other party complaining about and what do they want? Why? Aim to uncover the underlying causes of the conflict – these are not always obvious or even known … neither to you nor to your counterpart! (Don’t forget to be curious about your own underlying causes and driving forces as well).
While you are exploring this, remember to check what your own and your counterpart’s actual needs are – these often drive the conflict, and more often than you might think, you can help each other meet those needs.
Agree on the Ground Rules
Early in the conflict resolution process, you and your counterpart(s) should agree on what constitutes acceptable behavior and communication, as well as how you will proceed with the work. Be sure to set clear boundaries together— and agree on the consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
A Ground Rule: Take Turns Speaking
Make sure one of the ground rules for the conflict conversation is that all parties take turns speaking – without interruptions.
Get the Past Out of the Way
Conflicts often arise from issues that are now in the past. These need to be acknowledged, but they should not control the conversation. Set aside a specific period at the beginning of the conflict conversation for both parties to let out all past grievances.
If there is a lot of sorrow, anger, or bitterness in both parties, it might be beneficial to involve a neutral third party, where the parties can address the past issues alone with the third party.
Only when the parties have vented their frustrations and allowed their anger and bitterness to be expressed with the third party, will they be ready to meet for constructive negotiation with a focus on the present and future, and on finding solutions.
Avoid Blame, Shame, and Guilt
Accusations, blame, shame, and guilt are not constructive. Instead, they risk being perceived as attacks and may thus escalate the conflict. (Refer also to the previous point about airing frustrations outside the negotiation room).
Find Common Interests
Find out if you and your counterpart(s) have anything in common. It can be goals or interests, but it can also be anything else, some everyday things. If you have things in common and can create a bit of mutual sympathy, it will be much easier to resolve conflicts and start cooperating.
Define Problems and Challenges – and Agree on Them
One of the major causes of conflict is misunderstandings. Indeed, from a broader perspective, ALL conflicts are based on misunderstandings. Identifying and clarifying what the conflict is actually about – so that all parties can address it as quickly as possible – is likely to be beneficial for resolving the conflict.
E.g. start by having a brainstorming session with all parties involved in the conflict, aiming to bring as many aspects of the conflict to the table as quickly as possible – without judgment.
Then, take the necessary time to thoroughly understand the problem (ask many questions) and reach a consensus on exactly what needs to be resolved. Without this agreement, resolving the conflict can be very challenging.
Focus on Solutions, Not Problems
It is said that what you focus on expands. Therefore, it is beneficial to focus on solutions. Choose to work together with your counterpart(s) to find a solution that benefits everyone.
Just as you brainstormed about problems, also brainstorm together on possible alternative solutions or compromises.
Again: When you brainstorm, ALL suggestions are valid, and NO one should criticize any ideas that others come up with. The goal is to allow free thinking. Even a small amount of negativity can halt the process and certainly won’t resolve anything.
Hold on to Your Needs, Goals, and Interests, but Let Go of HOW They Are Met
This approach provides flexibility. Generally, it is fulfilling your needs and addressing your interests that matter, not the specific way it happens. If both parties are willing to let go of the “how”, it becomes much easier to find solutions where both parties can achieve what they want.
Be Specific and Concrete
When expressing your concerns and desires, try to be as specific and concrete as possible. Use examples and detailed observations to help the other person understand your perspective. If there is documentation, present it calmly and objectively.
Agree on Some Broad Guidelines that Are Not Binding
You can ensure progress in negotiations by first agreeing on broad outlines. For example: “Okay, we all agree that a good solution lies somewhere between x and y.”
Allow Time and Be Patient
Conflict management and resolution take time!
Practice and Use Active and Reflective Listening
Active listening is one of the most useful skills in conflict management and resolution. Make it a habit to listen actively to whatever your counterpart(s) have to say regarding their feelings, opinions, interests, perspectives, and more.
Give them your full attention without interrupting. Occasionally, summarize what you believe they have said to ensure you have understood everything correctly. This shows respect, can de-escalate tensions, and helps you understand what is going on.
Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Place (or Shoes)
As you engage your curiosity, it’s helpful to imagine yourself as the other party. What is his / her experience like? Can you learn something from it? Can you better understand the problem? Can you see a potential solution?
Acknowledge Your Emotions, but Stay Calm
Conflicts can stir up strong emotions. Take your time to recognize and understand your own feelings and how they affect your reactions to the conflict. Self-awareness is valuable and can help you respond more constructively, leading to a quicker resolution.
When emotions run high, including those of your counterpart(s), try to keep your own emotions in check and focus on facts and common sense. Take deep breaths if necessary. Reactions driven by anger or frustration often escalate the situation.
Acknowledge the Other Party’s Emotions, and Stay Calm
The other party in the conflict also has emotions, and they can become intense. Remind yourself that it’s okay and allow the other party’s emotions to be expressed without letting yourself become agitated. Remember: these are emotions, not facts.
Some of the other party’s feelings may be directed at you personally, but you don’t have to take them personally. They are just feelings, not the truth. While you may disagree, but just as you wouldn’t like to be judged or rejected for your feelings, the same applies to them.
Keep the Bigger Picture in Mind
It’s easy to get caught up in all the unpleasantness of a conflict, but that’s not constructive. Remind yourself of the larger perspective: How harmful and costly conflicts can be, how valuable it is to find a solution, and how important it is to maintain well-functioning, healthy relationships – even with your counterpart(s). (Also, consider whether the problem is truly worth destroying a relationship over).
Play the “Ball” (the Problem), not the Man
It may be that other people in the conflict “rub you the wrong way,” but then turn your attention to facts and problems. Just as accusations, blame, shame, and guilt escalate the conflict, personal attacks will do the same. Present factual documentation if relevant. This can help clarify the situation and avoid misunderstandings.
Be Mindful of Cultural Differences
The conflict might involve people from different cultures. This can seem like a hurdle, but it can also be seen as a resource, as cultures offer different perspectives and thus potential solutions. At the very least, it provides an exciting opportunity for both parties to learn something new.
Culture is beneficial in that it provides us with roots and grounding, but it can also be limiting. Sometimes, it can be helpful to let go of our cultural expectations and approaches and try those of another culture.
As long as you keep your needs and goals in mind, it can be valuable to explore something new that the other culture offers. Then you might try your own cultural approach afterward and see which yields the best result, or even blend them to make everyone happy.
Remove Your Identity from the Equation
If the conflict feels like a threat to who you are, and it’s not about systematic discrimination and oppression or something life-threatening like war, then there is most likely something wrong with your perspective. Specifically, you may have somehow identified with the conflict: it has shifted from being about the problem to being about you.
This has “awakened” your ego into a survival battle, which is unnecessary and not constructive. Again, try to view the situation from a higher perspective, without personal involvement, and preferably with humor.
If the conflict is NOT a fight to the death for the right to be you, what does it look like?
Does it become easier to see a solution?
Remove Your Worldview from the Equation, too
Other people have a different worldview or perspective on life than you do. Because they have a different worldview and identity, they actually experience a different reality than you.
When they express their views, it is not a threat to you or your worldview. You have yours, and they have theirs. Try to put your own worldview aside for a moment.
This can prevent you from fighting against their perspective, making it easier for both of you to focus on resolving the actual challenges and problems.
Learn to Let Go – and Use It
Being able to let go of things like habits, thoughts, beliefs, and other aspects of your consciousness is valuable. Simply put, it frees you and opens up new possibilities.
What would be a good idea to let go of?
Anything that limits you!
Why?
Because it holds you back. It prevents you from realizing your full potential.
In a conflict situation, your first impulse might be hold on to things because you perceive the conflict as a battle where you must defend yourself and your interests. But what if you could achieve what you truly want by letting go of something in your consciousness that restricts you? In fact, this is often the case.
And when your counterpart sees that you are doing this, he / she might also do the same, and suddenly the solution becomes obvious. Letting go is a skill, which means: It is something you can learn and train.
Give it a try; it’s a really good idea.
Take Three Steps Back (“Go to the Balcony” Technique)
When there is significant disagreement, or emotions are running high, or when the problems are simply difficult to handle, it can help (in a figurative sense) to take three steps back and view things from an external perspective.
This is sometimes referred to as the “fishbowl technique” (where you view the conflict as if it were in an aquarium) or “go to the balcony” (stepping out onto the balcony).
The idea is that when you have “stepped away” from the conflict and are separated from it by a layer of glass, you can better view the situation objectively and assess what a good and constructive next step might be.
Take a Break
Remember, if the discussion becomes too intense – or impossible to conduct – it’s perfectly okay and beneficial to take a break, as long as both parties agree to return to the negotiating table later, once emotions have settled.
Consider Seeking Professional Help: Consult a Conflict Mediator
In cases where a conflict is particularly challenging, you might consider involving a neutral third party. This could be a mediator, conflict advisor, or similar professional.
Professional help, advice, and possibly therapy can be incredibly valuable in conflicts. This is true both in personal life and within businesses and organizations.
During the Conflict Conversation (Communication)
– Stay on Your Own Side of the Court, Focus on What’s Positive, and Be Open to Constructive Criticism
Conflicts sometimes arise due to misunderstandings in communication. Both these and many other types of conflicts can be resolved with clear and functional communication. It is worth investing a lot of attention to this.
Talk About – and Agree on – How to Speak
This is known as metacommunication: It involves agreeing as one of the first things in the conversation, on what type of language and behavior is acceptable in this situation and what is not.
For example, you might agree that no one will yell, use insults, or storm out. And while you’re at it, you might as well discuss how you can improve your communication in everyday life. This might help you avoid future conflicts.
Stay on Your Own Side of the Court
Communication works best when both parties stay on their own side of the court. When you speak, use “I” statements and avoid “you” statements and “we” statements.
For example, it’s a bad idea to say judgmental things like, “You are always so know-it-all,” whereas it’s better to say, “When I am interrupted and corrected, I feel belittled and foolish, and it upsets me.”
Both your feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs are best expressed using “I” statements.
You Can Also Talk About “Us”, but with Caution
It can be beneficial to say things like, “Let’s find a way to solve this problem.” Using “we” and “us” language can demonstrate that you are working together to address the challenges.
However, it can also be used as a very obvious way to put words in others people’s mouths and manipulate them, and almost everyone will notice it immediately.
So use this approach with caution and only when you genuinely mean it.
Learn and Use Conscious, Non-Violent Language
Non-conflict-creating communication is something that can be learned; it is a skill. We here at Good Conscious Life refer to it as ‘conscious language use,’ and which is also found in other forms, such as in ‘non-violent communication’ (‘giraffe language’).
Think Carefully when Using Written Language
In written communication (e.g., letters, emails, and text messages), you cannot always read the tone of voice, humor, and all the non-verbal cues that we unconsciously pick up when we are face-to-face in a conversation.
The recipient also cannot quickly and easily ask for clarification, and you are not there to explain it. This means that written messages can be easily misunderstood. Therefore, it is worth thinking twice before using written communication in a conflict situation.
If you do use written communication, it is a good idea to write it first, let it be for a while, and then only send it when you have reviewed it with a fresh pair of eyes and made it more ‘digestible.’
Non-Verbal Language
You can benefit from using non-verbal signals: Pay attention to your body language and demeanor – all the non-verbal cues.
Adopt a consciously open and welcoming posture (e.g., avoid crossing your arms or rolling your eyes). Manage your emotions, as they are ‘projected’ both through your body language and energetically (others can sense what you are feeling, even if they are not fully aware of it).
Also, observe the other party’s demeanor and body language: It reveals a lot.
Feel and Show Empathy
Try to understand the other person’s perspective, even if it includes something you disagree with. It’s not about being right or wrong here; it’s about feelings and “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.”
Empathy can go a long way in resolving conflicts. For example, you might say something like, “I can see what you mean, and I understand why you feel that way.”
Apologize When It’s Due
If you’ve made a mistake or hurt someone, offer a sincere apology. Taking responsibility for your actions helps rebuild trust.
Use Visual Aids – But Moderately
If you use drawings or other visual aids, such as diagrams, charts, or illustrations, to explain your points, it can make them easier to understand.
This is especially useful if the challenges and problems are complex. However, be mindful that visual aids can also overwhelm your counterpart, especially if they haven’t prepared similar materials or aren’t as skilled at drawing as you are. So, use them with moderation.
Focus on What’s Positive and Use Positive Words
Negativity is unpleasant, both for the person feeling negative and for the one listening to it. In fact, even negative things can be expressed in a positive or at least constructive manner.
There is a difference between stating what you want to achieve and stating what you do not want. Both have value, but focusing on what you want to achieve is significantly more constructive than focusing on what you want to avoid.
Feedback and Criticism Are Good – As Long As They’re Constructive
None of us are perfect. Neither you nor your counterpart. We don’t know or understand everything. We don’t always consider everything, and we make mistakes from time to time. That’s okay and perfectly normal – but it’s even better if we can learn from it.
So try to be open to feedback and constructive criticism. And if you are giving feedback and criticism, remember to ask first if it is welcome, and then make sure to deliver it constructively and not negatively.
Between the Conflict Conversations
– Foster Further Awareness and Practice Self-Care
Keep a Journal
If you are involved in a conflict, writing down your thoughts, feelings, goals, needs, and so on can be very helpful. This practice can assist you in understanding both the challenges and your own and others people’s reactions, making it much easier to identify any patterns in your conflicts.
Keeping a journal or diary is also a great way to engage in personal development (and spiritual development).
Be Kind to Yourself
Conflicts can be draining and strenuous. They can deplete you mentally, emotionally, energetically, and physically.
It’s beneficial to acknowledge this fact and consciously practice self-care. Be extra patient with yourself and kind to yourself when you are involved in a conflict. This reduces stress, maintains your resilience, and helps you think clearly so you can find a good solution.
End What Just Doens’t Work
You might find yourself in a harmful relationship or an ongoing conflict with no resolution in sight. In such cases, it may be beneficial to let go of your involvement and completely withdraw. Walk away and never return.
Sometimes, this is the best course of action. How do you know when it’s time? It’s when you have done your utmost to resolve the issue, and it remains unresolved.
When you have given your best effort and there is nothing more to be done on your part, then it’s time to move on. As long as you have done everything you can, you will also feel at peace with stepping away from the situation.
After the Conflict Is Resolved
– Learn from the Conflict and Follow Up
Reflect and Learn from the Conflict
After the conflict is resolved (or you have removed yourself from it), take some time to reflect on what happened. Consider writing about it in your journal.
Think about what you learned from the experience and what you might do differently next time. Also, consider whether there are changes you can make to avoid similar conflicts in the future.
Plan and Follow Up
When the conflict discussions are nearing completion, plan (and execute!) a follow-up meeting to ensure that the solution is working and to avoid any relapse into the conflict.
Books on Conflict Management and Conflict Resolution
– A Bonus, if you want to learn more
As a final bonus for those who want to learn more, here is a list of 10+ books.
Mary Scannell:
“The Big Book of Conflict Resolution Games: Quick, Effective Activities to Improve Communication, Trust and Collaboration”
William Ury: “Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations”
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen: “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most”
Chris Voss, Tahl Raz: “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It”
Gary T. Furlong: “The Conflict Resolution Toolbox: Models and Maps for Analyzing, Diagnosing, and Resolving Conflict”
Meysa Maleki: “The Conflict Resolution Grail: Awareness, Compassion and a Negotiator’s Toolbox”
Michelle LeBaron: “Bridging Cultural Conflicts: A New Approach for a Changing World”
Harriet Lerner: “The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate”
Vivian Scott: “Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies”
Jonamay Lambert, Selma Myers: “50 Activities for Conflict Resolution”
Sue Bishop: “Training Games For Assertiveness and Conflict Resolution: 50 Ready to Use Activities”
Stewart Levine: “Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict Into Collaboration”
Gabrielle Hartley: “The Secret to Getting Along (And Why It’s Easier Than You Think): 3 Steps to Life-Changing Conflict Resolution”
Taylor Olsen: “Workbook For The Secret to Getting Along (And Why It’s Easier Than You Think): 3 Steps to Life-Changing Conflict Resolution”
Happy reading! 🙂
Best regards,
Birgitte Coste og Søren Lauritzen
What Would You Like to Read Now?
 Go to the ‘mother page’ for conflict:Good Conflict Management and Resolution – How Do You Practice It Best? |
Related Pages on This Topic:
What Is a Conflict and Why Does It Happen? |
The Conflict Escalation Model |
Theories about Conflict Management and Conflict from Different Scientific Disciplines and Topics |
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