• Want to know what your ego is?
• Ready to learn some useful ego psychology?
• Check whether you are identified with your limited sense of
self.
• Don't fight your ego … learn how to deal with it
constructively.
• Get a free Enneagram Test! (upcoming)
What is Ego?
Well, one way to put it is this: It's your limited and
predictable personality.
It's what most people tend to identify with even though doing
that is certainly not a good idea, because it will result in a
limited and fear-based experience of life. That's why it is so
important to understand ego psychology. That understanding can
help you live a happier life.
Personally, I define ego like this:
Based on fear and separation, and primarily focused on
the physical body, your ego is a small part of who you are, to
whit: a mental survival mechanism, designed to help you solve
problems and get your needs fulfilled.
Many other different definitions of ego exist.
One important thing you will notice is that my use of the term
'ego psychology' has little to with the way adherents of Sigmund
Freud use the same term. They would use 'ego psychology' to
signify a school of psychoanalysis based on Freud's structural
model of the mind 'id+ego+superego'. What you will find here
goes beyond that model.
This text is more in line with the Eastern use of the term 'ego'
and the teachings of modern day spiritual teachers such as
Eckhart Tolle, Arjuna Ardagh and Gangaji. The way I see the ego,
it can be adequately described by the Enneagram (a system
describing nine different types of personality; i.e. nine
different types of ego).
I am pretty sure Freud didn't know about the Enneagram (it
existed in his time, but wasn't known in the West). If he had,
modern psychoanalysis would have been different (much more
powerful, if you ask me).
Anyways, articles are upcoming on several subjects related to
ego psychology, including for instance, 'What is Ego?' [LINK],
and 'Ego Development' [LINK].
Are You Your Ego?
So. Your ego is that part of you which says: 'I am here, you are
over there, and the world is out there'.
You know that way of thinking, right? You probably use it every
single day.
Perhaps you have never even questioned it. If so, then you are
presently identified with your ego:
You think that you are your ego … and that your ego is you.
That is a mistake.
Don't worry, though: It's a mistake most people make.
The primary problem with that mistake is this: It ruins your
life experience!
Why? Because your ego, mental defense mechanism that it is, is
limited and fear-based. In other words, you identify with just a
small part of who you really are, and a very scared part, at
that.
This way of thinking and believing (identifying) will get you a
life experience that is basically hell on earth, born in your
own ego psychology. Ego psychology is not a nice place to be.
Care for a Bit of Hell on Earth?
Okay, 'Hell on Earth' is harsh language, but really, it's not
far from the truth. When you identify with your ego you never
have enough of anything – except fear and problems.
Your ego psychology keeps you trapped in a life that is less
than it could be. Just answer these questions inside your own
head:
• Do you have enough
love?
• Do you get enough
quality sex?
• Do you have enough safety and security?
• Do you have enough
money and material possessions?
• Do you have enough control and responsibility?
• Do you have enough freedom?
• Do you have enough friends?
• Do you get enough recognition?
• Do you have enough
self esteem?
• Do you give and receive enough of everything?
• Do you get enough
personal development?
• Do you feel 100 percent complete and whole?
If you answered 'no' to one or more of these questions (and who
wouldn't?) then you are entirely or partially identified with
your ego.
In other words:
You. Never. Have. Enough. Ever!
To some degree you'll always be scared, afraid, lonely, needy,
guilty, shameful, etc., etc.
And thus you are merrily living your version of Hell on Earth!
What Is on the Other Side (Beyond) of the Ego?
Considering what I've just said about 'Hell' one way to phrase
the answer to the question in the headline is: Paradise on
Earth.
That's more or less how it's experienced. Paradise on Earth.
And considering that the ego is 'merely' a mental construct,
that's actually quite amazing. Can the identification or
non-identification with a mental construct really make that much
of a difference?
The answer is yes. Ego psychology and what lies beyond it are
fascinating concepts and once you realize you are merely
identifying with a mental construct, you gain the power to
create change.
What happens when you (permanently or just for a time) let go of
your ego is that you automatically move out to identify with the
larger you. What's that?
Well, one way to put it is that it can either be the much larger
'you' of your soul, or the incredibly much larger 'you' of life
itself.
Is there such a thing as your soul? The answer to that is easy
to get: Test it by letting go of your ego and you will know!
This is no 'trap' or joke. I have personally tested it many
times, and I have helped many other people do the same.
There IS in fact a larger personality for you to identify with,
and calling it your soul is as good a name as any.
There is also something beyond your soul that you can identify
with, and calling that 'life' seems appropriate.
The point here is that while identifying with your ego hurts in
lots of subtle and not so subtle ways, that is not the case if
you identify with your soul or with life itself. On the
contrary:
Moving beyond ego psychology will activate acute awareness,
unconditional love and much more, giving you experiences ranging
from very peaceful to entirely ecstatically blissful.
Letting go is the quickest and easiest method leading to
this experience.
The beauty is, you don't have to get all caught up in untangling
the mysteries of ego psychology when you can simply 'let go' and
let your mind's view broaden to include the part of you that
exists beyond your ego.
Can You Live Without the Ego?
I don't know, but I doubt that the question is relevant, for the
experiences of spiritually enlightened people indicate that our
ego stays with us even in spiritual enlightenment.
So chances are that our ego will always be there, although it is
certainly possible to live a life where the ego does not account
for much identification and does not take up many resources.
The benefit to understanding a little about ego psychology is
that you can co-exist with your ego rather than being a slave to
it.
But hey, the ego is a tool that we have all spent years
perfecting, so why not keep using it as such?
In any case I certainly do not recommend trying to fight or get
rid of your ego. That just doesn't work!
Why You Can't Fight Your Ego
The ego is a highly sophisticated defense mechanism … and
that's not something you will want to fight. Your entire ego
psychology is developed around self protection.
And anyway: What would you fight your ego with? What CAN you
fight it with? Your intuition? Your soul? Your free will?
That won't work, because neither one of those is a fighting
mechanism: Your intuition is a messaging system, your soul is an
unconditionally loving experiencer, and your free will is a
decision maker.
Sooo … the only thing left to fight your ego with is: Your
ego!
Yes, that's right: The people who are fighting and trying to get
rid of their ego are using their ego to do it!
Wonder, who's going to win … the ego or the ego?
If you try to fight your ego you're in for a loooooong fight. A
never ending fight, in fact. This is why surrender (i.e.
letting go) is such a good idea – it's the only way to win.
Dealing Constructively with Your Ego
So, since your ego is here to stay, the way forward is to accept
it and work with it rather than against it. Understand the role
ego psychology plays in your life, both for the good and the
bad. How do you do that?
Well, by now you know that your ego psychology is based on three
things: survival, needs and problems.
Just ask yourself: How would you deal lovingly with a person who
is obsessed with survival, needs and problems?
(1) Probably you would start by being non-threatening and
friendly (i.e. using acceptance and love).
(2) Then you will want to demonstrate that you are reliable and
trustworthy (i.e. taking responsibility).
(3) After that you would probably want to get to know and
understand something about the other person (i.e. gain knowledge
and understanding).
(4) Then you would likely proceed very carefully and soothingly,
always showing and reassuring the other person that you're
competent, you've got it all covered, that everything is all
right.
(5) When the other (obsessed) person tells you something, you
listen of course, but you stay quietly critical and make
allowances for the obsessed focus of the person.
Well, you can use that very technique when dealing with your
ego.
So, in a sense you will be building a positive relationship with
your ego. For that you may use the wonderful and powerful
relationship keys.
Using the Relationship Keys
Your keys to relationships (which you may have read about in the
article
Relationship Problem Advice) are just as useful when dealing
with your own ego as when dealing with other people!
For your convenience, here they are again:
Your Keys to Relationships
• Intention (Choice / Courage / Free Will /
Will Power / Dedication)
• Trust (Relaxing in the Knowledge that All Is
and Will Be Okay)
• Openness (Being Open Towards Yourself, Others
and Life)
• Focus Inwards (Being Centred in Yourself /
Living from the Inside Out)
• Love (Using Your Heart / Always Choosing
Love)
• Acceptance (Saying Yes / The Art of Allowing
/ Forgiving / Letting Go)
• Attention (Consciousness / Awareness /
Presence)
• Self responsibility (Taking Charge / Not
Being a Victim / Being Reliable)
• Authenticity (Being Who You Are and Showing
It / Honesty)
• Self Knowledge (Understanding Yourself,
Others and Life)
• Common Ground (Shared Interest)
• Playfulness (Humour / Fun / Adventure /
Exploration / Learning)
An e-book or a minibook [LINK] about these keys to relationships
is on the way and will be sold here on this website.
When you are dealing with ego psychology using these
relationship keys, please keep in mind that your ego is not
another person, it's not even alive per se, it is simply a
(mental and mechanical) part of you. Thus you don't need to work
quite as hard with the keys; you may tone them down a bit when
dealing with your own ego.
If you just want the short version, just a handful of the keys,
I'd say that if you have: openness, awareness, trust,
understanding and acceptance when dealing with your ego, then
you'll be well on your way.
Understand Your Ego via the Enneagram
Being open is a decision and being aware is focusing your
attention. Acceptance is much easier when you understand what
you are dealing with, so in fact the primary key here is
understanding of your ego psychology – or self knowledge.
The best way I know for getting to know your ego is
the Enneagram.
As the Enneagram describes the nine basic types of ego it also
(among other things) describes nine ways of thinking, feeling,
acting and generally being in the world. If you are interested
in ego and ego psychology, I strongly urge you to check out
the Enneagram.
You can start by taking the Enneagram Test [LINK]. Then go on to
read more about the Enneagram and your specific ego type. I'm
writing an e-book or special report [LINK] about the Enneagram
(for sale) and you can also find some very basic information
about the Enneagram on this website.
The Point of Learning about Your Ego Type
So, what's the point of learning all this about your ego type
(and the Enneagram)? Well, the point is to liberate yourself
from the mechanical and fear-based behavior that your ego will
dictate to you, if you let it.
Use the Enneagram to find out which box your ego belongs in, so
that you can start to work your way OUT of that box!
Freedom and happiness are the goal of this investigation, for as
long as you are identified with your ego you are not free to
choose and at the very best you only experience happiness in
glimpses.
By applying awareness and understanding to your ego – and
perhaps even letting go of a number of things related to it –
you AUTOMATICALLY move towards identifying with your larger self
(your soul). This process is one of the ways that lead to
happiness and spiritual enlightenment [LINK].
A Few Last Things about Egos
Towards the end of this page let me just mention two important
things; one concerning stress and the other concerning the ego's
defensive tendencies.
Stress
Stress and pressure are the primary reasons that you move from a
reasonably enlightened way of being in the world and dealing
with people to a fear based ego way of doing the same. So,
whenever you feel under pressure or stressed, expect your ego to
come popping up.
The more stress, the more you will tend to revert to old
patterns of behavior.
You do, however, still have a choice! You don't need to take
stress and pressure so seriously. You don't need to listen to
worries, fear and your ego. The more understanding of yourself
and life you have, the easier this becomes.
Plus, you may give yourself the added bonus of learning some
techniques for letting go and use them on the very things that
are stressing you.
One Ego Triggers the Other Ego
Also you must remember that ego psychology is a defense
mechanism. Egos will defend against all threats – real and
imaginary. This goes for your ego as well as for everybody
else's ego. What does this mean?
Well, one thing that it means is that if one person is 'taken
over' by his or her ego, this is perceived as a threat by your
ego, which then promptly will attempt to take you over. And vice
versa.
In this way disagreements or discussions may quickly escalate
into regular conflicts [LINK] – which benefit nobody. This is
true both at home and at work. Here is where a basic
understanding of ego psychology is helpful because you not only
contend with your own ego psychology, you are also dealing with
the ego psychology of everyone you come into contact with.
The primary antidotes to this are awareness, acceptance and
letting go.
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