One of the most difficult things to do in a relationship is to
keep the lines of communication open on both ends.
This is a challenge for those that are just beginning the
relationship as well as those that have been in a committed
relationship or marriage for a very long time.
There are just some things that are very difficult to talk about
and sometimes it just feels like the better choice to swallow
the feelings and thoughts and let them float to the back of our
minds.
The problem with stuffing them in the back of our thoughts is
that eventually they will resurface and the task of putting them
behind us once again will be much more difficult.
Even if this process is successful several different times,
there will be a boiling point that you can no longer ignore.
When you reach this point you will not only be unsuccessful in
hiding your true feelings, you will erupt with a force that
would make anyone feel uncomfortable to witness. You will likely
say things that you do not mean and you will spin the truth so
far from reality that you may not be able to get it back.
It is never good to get yourself to this point.
The problem lies not only in the hurt that you will cause your
partner when you finally explode but you will find that you are
causing unnecessary pain and mental frustration for yourself.
When you suck those comments and feelings into the back of your
mind, your loved one will not have to hear it but you will
likely spend hours upon hours thinking it over in your mind.
You will try to rationalize your thoughts and will play out fake
conversations in your head in which you actually spoke your
mind.
For many people, when they are harboring negative feelings and
thoughts, their mental status begins to deteriorate because they
are not able to concentrate when they are so upset.
They often find it very difficult to go to sleep when their
minds are so full of anger or strife so they begin to feel worse
as their bodies cry out for rest, both mentally and physically.
When they do finally drift off to sleep, their dreams are often
filled with the same issues they have been thinking about
throughout the entire day.
This makes for a very poor night of sleep and a morning that is
filled with yawns and maybe tears.
Why are we holding back from communication?
With so many terrible side effects of holding back from
communication in relationships, why would anyone not want to
just get it out in the open and have the discussion when it is
brought up?
Well, the answer really depends on how long the couple has been
together and what the dynamics are in the relationship.
For example, a couple that has just started to form a close bond
may find that they are nervous about making the other person
upset. They do not want to ruin what they feel is a good thing
so they simply choose to ignore the things that are bothering
them the most.
What they need to understand is that the way they communicate in
the beginning will help them to develop good communication in
relationships throughout the rest of their life.
If there is a problem, say it!
Even married people and other long term devoted people that have
been in a relationship for a very long time run into problems
with communication in relationships.
The most common cause of this is just the normal day to day life
events that spread their time so thin. They must work. They must
clean the house and cook the dinner. If they have children, they
must care for the kids. They must serve as a chauffeur for their
children to sporting events, and so on and so forth. Not to
mention keeping in touch with their friends and relatives and
helping them out every once in a while, as well as staying fit
and practicing whatever kind of hobby or hobbies they themselves
have.
Each of these things takes up valuable time and soon it feels as
if the people in the relationship are actually just roommates
with occasional sexual privileges. There seems to be no time to
communicate so they do what they need to and move through their
lives day to day without really talking.
The unfortunate thing that often happens in a situation like
this is that the children grow up and move on with their lives
and the parents are left alone. At this point, so many years of
little to no communication in relationships leave them very
little to talk about and they have to get to know one another
once again, as if they were just starting out in the
relationship.
How can we prevent communication problems?
This does not have to be the case though. There are things that
can be done to help keep a strong line of communication between
couples, no matter how long they have been in the relationship.
First you should know that the idea of open communication in
relationships can be very difficult to put in place if both of
the people in the relationship are not on board with the plan.
Both parties must understand that they can be open with their
opinions and feelings and that they will not be lashed out at
for bringing them up. Setting this as a basic rule is worth
doing: No interrupting and no lashing out.
Remember, a very important part of communication in
relationships involves listening and both people have to agree
to allow the other to speak while they listen and try to
understand the point that is being made.
When you are able to listen to your partner as they express
their feelings and thoughts, you will begin to get a sense of
who they really are and how they think and rationalize things.
This will be very helpful to avoid arguments down the road. You
will know enough about their thought processes that you can have
a good idea of how they will react to different things. You may
have to phrase your thoughts in a different way to avoid them
being hurt or confused by your comment. When you have a good
understanding of how they think then you will be able to find
the words that you are looking for.
It is alright to disagree
with each other.
Sometimes something will be brought up that you simply do not
agree with and that is fine as long as you respect that this is
how they are honestly feeling. You do not get to condemn them
for feeling this way. You must simply listen and try to
understand how they have come to this opinion or belief. You may
even find that you change your own opinion once you hear what
they have to say about it. If not, then you can present your
opinion or belief and maybe the end will be that you both agree
to disagree and move forward.
If it is something that you cannot simply agree to disagree on
and a decision must be made then you have a number of options.
In the simplest of terms you can create the following scenarios:
a) You both lose.
b) One wins, the other loses.
c) Neither of you wins or loses.
d) You both win.
If you want my advice you will need to avoid both a) and b)
above. You must avoid that any of you lose, and if at all
possible you should avoid the stalemate c) (where neither of you
wins or loses) as well. In short, you should always make sure
that both of you win more than you lose – even if it is only a
little bit.
Now, most people and websites will advise you to seek a
compromise … but in general I do not agree. You know why?
Because a compromise is usually characterized by either a), b)
or c) above – either a stalemate – or someone loses, maybe even
both parties.
That is just not good enough. YOU MUST BOTH WIN!
(If you happen to be one of the growing number of people
practicing polyamory [LINK] it is even more important for you)
So – how do you do that?
The most important thing when finding solutions often it is a
matter of finding a balance. When you seem to be stuck one
possible way of finding a balance in practice is agreeing to do
it one way this time and the other way the next time the
situation arises.
This works very well when it comes to simple things, like
discussions on which restaurant to go to or which movie to see.
When it comes to more important issues, like how to raise the
kids, what you need is more likely to be a consensus – which is
also a kind of balance.
And when consensus is hard to find, you need a handful of
things:
communication, more communication, understanding (as in actually
understanding the other person's point of view), letting
go and agreement (consensus).
But still you should absolutely make sure that BOTH of
you win!
That's what communication in relationships is all about –
communicating your way to a point where you both win.
Yes, occasionally you may need to make some small sacrifices for
the one you love, but please do not let it become any kind of a
habit. And making big sacrifices generally does not work –
simply because of the missing balance.
When someone is at the beginning point of a relationship, it is
much better to get this open line of communication in place
then.
You do not want to find yourself ten to twenty years down the
road of your life with regrets about marrying the person that
you did.
If you are able to communicate well from the beginning, you will
find out if this person is the right one for you before it gets
too serious. You will know if they have habits or beliefs that
you cannot be accepting of and you can choose to discontinue the
relationship at that point. When you stifle the communication in
relationships you may find things later that you simply cannot
deal with which can leave you in a bad situation.
Having good communication in relationships is also important as
we set examples for our children. There are so many children
that are raised by a single parent that do not get to see what a
healthy relationship looks like. They do not have an example to
compare their own relationships to so they are lost in terms of
how to make it work.
When a stable couple shows their children how to communicate
with a level head then they are helping their children develop
good relationship practices that will be very useful to them in
the future. They will see that it is fine to disagree and how to
go about finding a resolution to any problem by simply talking
it out. This is a gift that can be given to your children that
does not get passed on too often. If at all possible please make
sure it does in your family.
Starting this "communication-in-relationship" thing:
If you are at a point in your relationship where you need to
open the lines of communication, consider starting slowly. Not
all pieces of information that you share are controversial –
there are lots of 'safe' things to share as well.
If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person
then it is good to know about their frustrations and joys. And
do remember both the frustrations and the joys – for the sake of
balance (again).
I have known several relationships where one partner would
incessantly focus on relating all the negative things to their
partner, especially about their job – and it just became too
much. Not one of those relationships still exist today. Venting
is fine, but for the sake of balance you need to relate the
good, pleasurable things as well.
If there are no positive things, you really need to find a
different way to make a living!
When you're just starting out with this 'communication in
relationships thing' you might start off by simply asking your
partner how their day was. Ask them if anything interesting or
exciting happened. But only ask if you're actually going to
listen to and try to relate to their answer. You do need to feel
and show some interest in their answers.
If they go into details about their work that you simply do not
understand, ask them questions about it until you do understand
– maybe not everything but the main outlines.
The same is true for you. You should start up some dialog about
your day and what you did at work. Tell them the funny things
that happened as well as those that may have made you annoyed or
mad.
Remember to get BOTH the frustrations and the joys in there.
This will help them to understand what makes you happy or what
makes you angry. Let them ask questions and answer the questions
honestly. While this type of conversation may seem to be menial,
it is actually a strong starting point that will lead to comfort
when you are discussing more serious topics.
The very best advice for communicating with your partner is
never jump to assumptions or
conclusions.
Let them speak their thoughts and if you are not sure what they
are saying, ask them to clarify it. Stay calm and reasonable. If
you feel your emotions begin to rise, simply tell them calmly
that you are getting upset and explain it to them from your
prospective. They do not have to agree with you but they will
know what you are thinking and can offer you answers that may
change your frame of mind.
You don't have to work with Cognitive Behavior Therapy in your
relationship, but you can use a lot of the therapy to avoid
problems.
Take a look at this video. It is about communication with your
boss, but could be about communication and assumptions in any
relationship:
When you are able to talk to your spouse or partner freely and
express your inner most thoughts and desires, they will be by
your side always. They will be able to sense when you are upset
and will know just what it was that made you angry.
You can spend the rest of your lives laughing and crying,
thinking and plotting, disagreeing and making up and your
relationship will be one of the strongest that have been found.
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