Nothing lifts your spirits like very funny jokes. Well, maybe except really funny short jokes. Reading some good jokes can kick your day off with a laugh and a smile, and why not do just that?
To help you we have made a compilation of some of the best of
the great jokes and
funny one line jokes that we know – on all sorts of topics
from
short funny jokes to great jokes about countries to dating
jokes to jokes about alcohol and much more.
To kick off the page, we present:
The Jewish Samurai
– In days long past, a Chinese emperor needed a new
samurai to be his personal bodyguard. He sent out a message to
all the lands summoning the best warriors to his court in three
years time.
The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors
present themselves.
The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a
matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his
sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half.
The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward. He too opened
a matchbox to release a mosquito into the air. With two quick
chops, the mosquito dropped dead in four pieces.
The third, a Jewish Samurai, stepped forward. He opened his
matchbox to set a small fruit fly flying in the air. He slashed
the air, but the fruit fly continued to fly.
The Emperor, disappointed, asked why the fruit fly was not
dead.
The Jewish Samurai replied, "If you look closely, you will
notice that the fruit fly was just circumcised."
Really Funny Short Jokes
Any joke can be a lot of fun, but hilarious jokes like short
jokes and one liners are particularly great jokes because, well,
they're so short and to the point.
Just like alcohol can pack a lot of punch (or is it the other
way around?), so one liners and really funny short jokes can
pack a lot of fun into a very compact package.
Here is a list of some of the best really funny short jokes
and very funny jokes that you will ever find:
– Support bacteria – they're the only culture some
people have.
– Teacher: Did your father give you any help with
your assignment? Student: Nope. He did everything on his own.
– Shampoo is a fake! Boycott Shampoo! Demand REAL
poo!
– Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
– Two muffins are sitting in the oven, when one turns
to the other muffin and asks, "Is it just me or is it hot in
here?" The second muffin’s eyes widen and he exclaims,
"Holy cow! A talking muffin!"
– Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in
the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the
ceiling?'
– Kid: Dad, what’s an idiot? Dad: An idiot is
someone who tries to explain something in such a roundabout and
long way that the person to whom he is explaining something has
absolutely no idea what he is talking about. Understand?" Kid:
No.
– We never really grow up, we only learn how to act
in public.
– A man is sitting on his couch watching his TV when
he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door, and only sees a
snail sitting on his stoop. He throws the snail across the
street and goes back to watching TV.
A year later, he is again sitting on his couch watching TV
when the doorbell rings again. He opens the door to see an angry
snail, who yells, "What the Heck was that for?"
– When asked if he was prepared to support a family,
the new son-in-law answered, "I’m sorry, I was only
planning on providing for your daughter. The rest of you will
have to support yourselves."
Let's proceed with even more great jokes.
Great Jokes about Countries
It is always entertaining to see how countries tend to interact
with each other.
Many countries are always trying to outdo each other in every
area, and many very funny jokes illustrate that point clearly.
Below are some
really funny jokes that show just how funny competition
between countries can be:
Really Funny Joke about Russia and the U.S.
Russia and the U.S. were at the peak of the Cold War
when they realized that they were going to destroy the entire
world – several times over, even – if they kept competing by
creating and using the traditional kinds of weapons.
So, they had a meeting.
After long and arduous negotiations they decided that a dog
fight was a great way to settle the dispute.
They decided that five years would be sufficient time in
which to breed the perfect dog, after which the dog fight would
ensue. The loser would have to give up all of their weapons and
surrender to the victor, who would then rule the entire world.
While a bit silly, this seemed like a good solutions to all
parties involved. At least it didn't include destroying the
world.
The Russians wasted no time and spent months searching the
world to find the meanest, most vicious dog that they could.
They came up with a huge, crazy dog that was part Rottweiler and
part dire wolf. They mated this dog with a second most vicious
dog they had found – a particularly nasty and unstable Doberman
Pinscher.
Then, from the resulting litter, they picked the biggest and
most aggressive one of the puppies.
This wild dog was given the mother’s milk enriched
with nutrients plus testosterone, steroids and all sorts of
other hormones.
After the five years had passed, the dog was one
exceptionally mean monster.
The day of the fight came, and the Americans trotted out
their dog. It was weiner dog, a tiny dachshund. The Russians
laughed as they set their dog on the American dog.
The minute the Russian dog came near the American dog, the
little dachshund opened his mouth and gobbled down the Russian
dog in one bite.
The Russians were boggled. "But we spent five years training
and breeding our dog to be the biggest, meanest dog ever!"
The Americans replied, "Yeah, well, we spent five years
figuring out how to make an alligator look like a dachshund."
About an American, a Russian and a Pole
– Very Funny Jokes about Countries and Countrymen
An American, a Russian, and a Pole were riding on a
train. The American man pulled out a case of the finest
cigarettes, took one drag on it, and proceeded to throw both the
cigarette and pack out the window. His response to the shocked
looks of the others was, "In America, we have lots of these."
The Russian man, not to be outdone, pulled out a case of
premium Russian vodka. He took a sip, and proceeded to throw the
bottle and the entire case out of the window. His response to
the boggled looks of the others was, "In Russia, we have lots of
these."
The Pole, thinking quickly, picked up the Russian and threw
him out the window. His response to the American’s
startled look was simply, "In Poland, we have lots of these."
Three Men in a Desert
– More Good Jokes on Their Way
Three men are driving through the desert, but their
car ends up stalling and breaking down. Each decides to take
something with them to aid them in their trek through the
desert.
The first, being a practical Englishman, grabs a bottle of
water from the car. The second, being a staid Scotsman, grabs an
umbrella. The third, being an Irishman, grabs the car door.
The others question his decision, but he mocks them saying,
"This way I can always roll down the window when I get too hot
walking in this desert."
Hilarious Jokes about Drinking and Alcohol
A wise person once said: 'Beauty is in the eye of the beer
holder!' and we would add that you should consider this: 'Drink
'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.'
Also, you might consider this: There's 24 hours in a day …
and 24 beers in a case … do you REALLY think that is just
coincidence?
Funny jokes about alcohol can make you laugh till you pee …
or is it that alcohol can make you want to pee so much that you
seem laughable?
Probably a bit of both!
Even if these very funny jokes and drinking jokes will not
improve your drinking habits, hopefully they will improve your
day:
Please enjoy our collection of funny jokes on alcohol 🙂
A True Irish Beer Lover
An American man walks into an Irish pub. "I will give
100 dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of beer in under
ten minutes," he proclaims loudly.
Most people simply ignore the loudmouthed American, but one
Irishman gets up and walks out of the pub. He returns a few
minutes later and asks, "Is that bet still on?"
The American man nods, and signals for the barkeep to set up
ten pints of Guinness. The Irishman downs the pints in under ten
minutes and collects his prize money. The American man asks him,
"Where did you go when you left the bar?"
The Irishman replies, "I went to the pub across the way to
see if I could do it or not."
A Couple of Guys in a Bar
– Even More Hilarious Jokes
A man seated at a bar turns to the man sitting next
to him and says, "Hello, where are you from?"
The man next to him replies, "I’m from Ireland."
The first man’s eyes widen as he replies, "Me too!
What part of the city are you from?"
The second man replies, "I’m from Castletown, near
Phoenix Park."
The first man replies, "Me too! What’s the name of
your grandmother?"
The second man replies, "Dorothy."
The first man replies, "Wow, mine too!"
About that time, a new customer walks into the bar and asks
the barkeep, "Hey Mac, what’s new?"
The barkeep replies, "Nothing much. The Thompson twins are
drunk again."
Going Home
A man sitting at a bar decides that he has had enough
to drink. He gets up off his stool, but instantly collapses the
moment he takes a step. He pulls himself up, and takes another
step only to collapse. He manages to make his way out the door,
collapsing at every step.
He walks/falls down the street until he finally reaches his
front steps. He tries to walk up them, but has to drag himself
up the stairs due to his inability to stand. He fumbles in his
pocket for his key, and collapses into his home as the door
opens.
He manages to drag himself up the stairs, and collapses into
bed. His wife asks him, "Jim, have you been drinking?"
He replies, "Of course not, dear. I’ve been playing
poker with, uh, uh, that other guy."
She responds, "Well, it's a wonder you got home. The bar
called and said you left your wheelchair."
Warnings for Beer Bottles
– Lots of Very Funny Jokes
Warnings that should be placed on alcohol bottles:
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that
you are whispering when really you aren’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you
staggering around like an idiot.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that
really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact
she really isn’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think
that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at
Karate and Kickboxing.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you
are invisible.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that
people aren’t really laughing AT you, they’re
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet
burns on your forehead.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that
you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a
really, really large man named Hans.
Funny One Line Jokes and Funny Stupid Questions
Still reading this page about funny hilarious jokes?
That just goes to show your good judgment – and good judgment
is something that comes from experience, though unfortunately,
experience usually comes from bad judgment.
So learn from the mistakes of others (because you probably
won't live long enough to make all of them yourself).
Or, you could wait, because all good things come in small
packages to those who wait …but so do all the bad things, and
it's also the bigger the better and anyways time and tide wait
for no man, woman or wombat.
Did you know we were going to say that? No wonder, because
wise men think alike, but fools seldom differ.
Okay, we'll shut up now 'cause silence is golden', even if
the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Leaving the scene for some great very funny jokes:
– If large elephants have trunks, do small elephants
have suitcases?
– Doesn't it worry you that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
– What do Australians call a boomerang that
doesn’t work? A stick.
– MARRIAGE, definition possibility no. 1: Marriage is
an agreement whereby a man loses his bachelor degree and gains
his master.
– MARRIAGE, definition possibility no. 2: Marriage is
an agreement whereby a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman
gains her master.
– Why there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
– Ever wonder we never see the headline, "Psychic
Wins Lottery"?
– What is a conference but the mistakes and confusion
of one man multiplied by the number of people present?
– How does a rich, spoiled girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
– It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
– Your first marriage is the triumph of imagination
over intelligence. Your second marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience. Your third marriage is just plain old
stupidity.
– If God is watching us, the least we can do is be
entertaining.
More hilarious jokes coming up …
The Best Stupid 'What Do You Call' Jokes
An inordinate amount of 'what do you call …' jokes that
play on names exist, most of them silly and not really worth
repeating. However, we have found a few funny jokes that we
think are.
Here they are:
– What do you call a man with a government subsidy?
Grant.
– What do you call a guy who plants rice? Paddy.
– What do you call a guy who owns a truck? Van.
– What do you call a guy who is just like everybody
else? Norm.
– What do you call a guy who fell ten floors from a
building and landed on his head? Spike.
– What do you call a guy who is all feet? Archie.
– What do you call a guy who's been hung up on the
wall by his belt? Art.
– What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms
and no legs? Skip.
– What do you call a guy who gets walked all over?
Matt.
– What do you call a guy who has been struck by
lightning? Rod.
Really Funny Jokes: The Dating Dictionary
Dating has a different meaning to everyone, and there are
some great jokes on what dating really means.
Take for example, the meaning of:
– Attraction: Associating a feeling of being horny
with a particular person.
– Love at First Sight: Two very horny, not very
particular people when they first meet.
– Dating: Spending a good deal of energy, time, and
effort into getting to know someone who you don’t even
like now and will like even less in the future.
– Eye Contact: Something that women do to show that
they are interested in men, but also something that men are
unable to do, seeing as how they are so busy staring at the
woman’s chest, rear, or anywhere else that isn’t
her eyes.
– Friend: Someone who is not attractive enough to be
suitable "date" material.
– Interesting: A word men use to get women to do all
of the talking in a conversation.
– Irritating Habit: Something which, a few months
back, was an endearing quality that attracted you to a person.
– Law of Relativity: The law that dictates just how
attractive someone else is in relation to how unattractive your
current date is.
– Nymphomaniac: The name given to a woman by a man
who doesn’t want to have sex as much as she does.
– Sober: A state of being in which it is nearly
impossible for two people to fall in love.
Some Great Jokes on Dating
Ah, the eternal dance of man and woman (or woman and woman, man
and man, or man and camel, or whatever the case may be).
Dating can really be one of the funniest experiences. Not to
mention that it can lead to sex … or even romance.
People tend to go kind of crazy when they are dating, and
often the fact that they are dating someone causes them to
completely change themselves. So, in reality, when people are
dating, who is dating who?
Nobody knows.
Consequently, there are hundreds of excellent and funny jokes
on dating.
Here's one good example of hilarious jokes on dating:
The Blind Date
– Funny Jokes on Dating
– Andrew is getting set up for a blind date by his
friend, Don.
Andrew is to meet Don's female friend, Mary, but this is
Andrew's first blind date and seeing as how he is into people's
looks and style of dress and that sort of thing, he is kind of
worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly and dresses even worse?" says
Andrew, "Then I'll be stuck with her all night, and it'll be
terrible."
"Don't worry," Don says. "She's into looks and fashion just
like you. But here's a plan: You go up to her door and meet her
there first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned and you continue on your date. If you don't, just shout
Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack, after which you excuse
yourself and leave. Problem solved."
So that night, Andrew knocks at Mary's door, and when she
comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts,
"Aaauuuggghhh!"
Nasty Dating Trouble
A guy had just spent over an hour with a woman he
found incredibly boring and who he couldn’t stand for
another minute. However, he had arranged with a friend to call
him as an excuse to leave the restaurant if the date
wasn’t a success.
After answering the phone call, he returned to the table with
a serious expression on his face. "My grandfather just died," he
said solemnly.
"Thanks God," said the woman, "I was afraid that mine was
going to have to if yours didn’t."
A shy man walks into a bar and sits at a table alone. He
spots a beautiful woman sitting at a table, and takes an hour to
screw up his courage to go talk to her. He asks, "Mind if I sit
and chat for a while?"
She replies at the top of her lungs, "No, I’m not
going to sleep with you!"
All eyes turn to the incredibly embarrassed man, who quickly
escapes to his table.
A minute later the woman comes over to him with a cold beer
and offers it to him, explaining, "I’m sorry about that.
I’m a psychology grad student, and tonight I am studying
the way that people react when in embarrassing situations."
The guy responds, shouting at the top of his lungs, "What do
you mean $300?"
A Third Joke on Dating
Shortly after a long night of passion, John rolled
over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his
lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl he had just been
with, Tony, if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
Where Would You Like to Go Next?
Great Jokes
Short Funny Jokes
'Confucius Say' Jokes
Funny One Liners
Random funny jokes
Great Car Jokes and Funny Driving Jokes: Automotive
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