Welcome to this hilarious assortment of really funny jokes and stupid funny phrases. Our aim here is simple. We want you to have fun. Lots of fun! That it, really!
So prepare yourself to be wonderfully entertained with this big,
varied and hilariously funny collection of
short funny jokes.
On this humorous journey we will take you to the land of
funny jokes of alcohol, through the kingdom of jokes about men
and women, into the valley of
short hilarious jokes and funny phrases where we will visit
the famous sight of the Monty Python Sketch guided by our very
own John Cleese and Michael Palin and in the end when we're all
tired and probably will need to rest we plan to stay at the
funny old people jokes inn called over the hills jokes.
Ready? Ok, fasten your seatbelt and let's begin this journey
of really funny jokes …
Hilariously Funny Jokes about Alcohol
As the deceased yet immortal comic drunk W.C. Fields once
indignantly asked:
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my
lunch?
~ W.C. Fields ~
Drinking can be a source of serious amusement, if such a
thing exists, and there are many
very funny jokes about drinking, alcohol, bars, and the
effects it can have on people – which, in short, is making them
even more silly and yes, stupid, than they were in the first
place.
Take, for example, this example of a really funny joke:
A man walking out of a pub late at night has had a
few too many to drink. He walks down the street with one foot on
the sidewalk and one foot on the road. It looks awfully awkward
and he seems to have a hard time doing it.
A little later a policeman walks up to him and asks, "Well,
sir, had one too many to drink, eh?"
The man replies, "I have? Yes, I have! Oh thank God, I
thought I was crippled!"
Here are a few sharp'n short funny jokes about alcohol:
– What would you call a drunk who works at an
upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
– A woman drove me to drink … and I didn't even
have the decency to thank her!
– Alcohol doesn't make you FAT … it makes you LEAN
…
against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!
You know you just may be TOO drunk when …
– You consistenly lose arguments with inanimate
objects.
– You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling
off the earth.
– The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet
seat.
– Mosquitoes that bite you fly away in erratic patterns
and hit objects in their way.
– A drunk is driving through the city and his car is
weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
10 Reasons that Beer is Better than Religion
– Great Jokes
10. You won’t be killed if you don’t drink beer.
9. Beer doesn’t dictate how you have sex and with whom.
8. No wars have been started over beer.
7. Beer is never forced upon minors who are too young to
think for themselves.
6. When you have beer, you don’t go around from house to
house trying to give it away.
5. No one has ever been tortured, burned alive, or hanged
over their preference for a certain kind of beer.
4. There is no need to wait 2000 years for the coming of your
second beer.
3. There have been laws passed that ensure that beer labels
can’t lie to you.
22. You are able to actually physically prove that you do,
indeed, have a beer.
1. If your life has been devoted to beer, there are groups
you can join to help you stop.
Timeless Wisdom about Alcohol
– Really Funny Jokes
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading.
~ Henny Youngman ~
Why Alcohol Should be Served at Work
– Even More Short Hilarious Jokes
– It gives you an incentive to carpool.
– Fewer people complain about a low salary.
– It gives you a reason to show up for work.
– The food tastes better, your fellow employees look better,
and everyone is more open with their ideas.
– Getting a raise is much easier when your boss has been
drinking.
– There is no need for coffee to help you sober up.
– Most people will stay and work later – because there is no
longer any need to relax at a bar.
— The days that you take off sick are definitely for genuine
illnesses.
– Bathroom breaks can last longer and can be taken more
frequently.
Funny Jokes That Are As Quick as They Are Fun!
Some of the funniest jokes are often the quick jokes and short
funny jokes .
Really good short funny jokes have the ability to deliver
their sharp points in a matter seconds.
A good way of measuring the quality of the best short funny
jokes is if it takes longer to 'get them' than it does to
deliver them!
One can view the structure of short really funny jokes and
quick funny jokes as abstract art paintings.
If the short hilarious jokes or the abstract painting is
really, really good, it doesn't take more than a few
well-placed, sharp lines to make the work complete.
Here are is good collection of quick, really funny jokes:
– Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
– What do Eskimos get from sitting around in their
igloos for too long?
Polaroids!
– My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
– One snowman turns to the snowman next to him and
asks, "Is it just me, or do you smell carrots, too?"
– I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
– What do you call a last will and testament?
A dead giveaway.
– Warning: If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.
– Evening news is where they begin with 'Good
evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
– Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down
his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do
you know why his father didn't punish him?
Student: Probably because George still had the ax in his hand.
– When you come to one of the forks in the road of
life, don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon.
– Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull
demise.
– Don't worry about what people think, they don't do
it very often.
– Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
– Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Exactly where you left him.
More funny jokes coming your way!
The Funniest 'What Do You Call' Jokes
Funny stupid question jokes like 'What do you call' jokes
are another example of quick, sharp funny jokes jokes.
These kind of really funny jokes are typically centered on
what is actually very simple word play and language juggling.
Something that can be very entertaining if done right!
Here are some of the best funny jokes also called 'what do
you call' jokes:
– What do you call someone whose used to be called
Lee?
Formerly.
– What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into
the mouth of a giant white shark?
Lefty.
– What do you call a girl who has three boyfriends
named William?
A Bill collector.
– What do you call a girl who is very sickly and
pale?
Ashley.
– What do you call a girl who complains a lot?
Mona.
– What do you call a plumber with a toilet on his
head?
Lou.
– What do you call a female plumber with two toilets
on her head?
Lulu.
– What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it won't come.
– What do you call a man who was born in Atlanta,
lived in Los Angeles, and died in New York?
Dead.
Hilariously Funny Jokes about Men and Women – and Dating
Oh yes, dating, the eternal dance between man and woman. Some
dance well … some not so well.
However, those that do not dance that well, have another
function … making us laugh. Which by the way definitely should
not be underestimated.
So, dating between men and women can be a hilarious business,
and there are a number of hilarious funny jokes on dating.
Here are a couple of the really funny jokes on dating that we
have found quite entertaining:
– Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming,
witty, hilarious, friendly … well enough about ME! How are
you?
– A woman suspected that her boyfriend was cheating
on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same
day, gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she
found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with
grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend
screamed, "Honey, don't do it …"
The women yelled back, "Shut up, you jerk! You're next!"
Woman, are you in doubt whether the guy is falling for you?
The following signs may indicate that a man is truly
interested in you, beyond simple dating:
– -The computer is shut down so he can spend time
with you.
– Playboy magazines and dirty underwear are nowhere to be
seen in his apartment – they disappeared just before you came
over to visit.
– He no longer references his ex-girlfriend in your
conversations.
– When talking he actually uses "we" to refer to you both.
– He leaves the toilet seat down – sometimes.
– You actually get to lay eyes on his remote control, though
you will need to spend a few years married before you actually
get to touch it.
Funny jokes about dating tend to make fun of men more than
they do about women.
Here are a few examples of such jokes:
– What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out?
You shut the door.
– Women don't need make fools of men – most of them
are the do-it-yourself type.
– The children of Israel wandered around the desert
for 40 years. What does this show us?
That even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
– If you think the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach you're aiming too high.
– Whenever you meet a man who would make a good
husband, you will usually find that he already is.
– You can't change a man – unless he's in diapers.
– Go for younger men. You might as well – they never
mature anyway.
However, there are also plenty of funny one line jokes, that
make sure the world knows just how great it is to be a man.
Let's have a look at 25 of the best ones:
The 25 Best Reasons to Be a Guy
– You can go to the bathroom without needing a
support group for accompaniment.
– You can pee standing up or sitting down, or even while
taking a shower – your choice. In fact, the world is your
urinal. And, as a bonus, you can pee your name in the snow!
– The toilet always seems to clean itself, and even if it
doesn't that does not worry you.
– You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
– Even though your tits are basically the same as a girl's,
you can whip your shirt off on a hot day and show them anywhere
in public without getting arrested. And, as a further bonus,
people's eyes don't keep darting to your chest when you’re
talking to them.
– You can fart anywhere and as loudly as you like, and you
can even get people to pull your finger before doing it.
– You can use the same hairstyle for years, if not for
decades.
– Wrinkles and gray hair add character to your face.
– Your old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or
gained weight.
– One wallet, one belt, one pair of shoes; the perfect outfit
for every day of the year.
– Three pairs of shoes, total, are plenty for all of your
needs.
– You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes, and you
never have strap problems in public.
– A short vacation only needs a single carry-on suitcase.
– You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
– You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
– You get to enjoy movie nudity which is virtually always
female. And most porn movies are designed with your mind in
mind.
– You know the truth about why you don’t call a woman back
after the first date – which is that there was a good football
game on TV and the next day and you plain forgot.
– In a relationship you can fix everything with flowers.
– Weddings seem to plan themselves.
– Buying a wedding dress costs $2000, whereas a tuxedo rental
costs $75.
– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she
can still be your friend.
– You don’t have to know the names of more than 5 colors.
– You don't need to feel more than three emotions, total,
ranging from good to bad.
– You don't need to talk about problems, you just fix them.
– You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
Really Funny Animal Jokes
Yes, it is only a small leap from the last jokes about men to
really funny animal jokes 😉
Let's start mildly with some really funny jokes about animals
that are not too exotic, like cats and dogs:
– A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed
me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and
take good care of me … They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good
care of me … I must be a God!
This next example of funny jokes is somewhat black … no
silly, not the animal, the joke:
What's happening when you hear "Woof … splat! …
Meow … splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.
And now as the animal is getting smaller, the joke is slowly
getting longer:
– A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at
the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He
picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there is a knock on the door. He opens it
and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that
all about?"
Here is another good funny joke:
– A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the
special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills
the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing?
You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without
saying a word. I don’t understand.â€
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out
of the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the
heading "Panda". It reads:
"Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats
shoots and leaves."
Ah, let's end this section as we started it, namely with some
short hilarious jokes about animals:
– What does a cow say to the bull?
Are you always that horny?
– Why can't you play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs!
– What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
DAM !
– What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milk shake.
– What do you get when you cross an elephant with a
kangaroo?
Great big holes all over Africa.
– How do you tell the difference between a cow and a
bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.
– Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor
– Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
Really Funny Argument Jokes
We here at Quotescoop.com are quite linguistically orientated,
meaning we really enjoy very funny jokes that play with words
and language.
If you like that too, you will probably enjoy these argument
jokes that twist and turn phrases and words.
And guess who the main in these really funny jokes about
discussions and arguments are, yes, man and wife. Who else!
Leaving the scene to some funny argument jokes featuring man
and wife:
– A husband and wife were involved in an argument
both of them unwilling to admit that they might be wrong.
"I'll admit I was wrong", the wife told her husband in a
conciliatory attempt at straightening things out, "If you'll
admit that I'm right!"
He agreed and like gentlemen do, he let her go first.
"I'm wrong", she said.
With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "You're right!"
Here's another example of really funny jokes on the same
theme:
– After having a row with his wife, a husband tries
to make peace. "Why don’t you meet me halfway?" he says. "I'll
admit you’re wrong if you admit I’m right."
– In the middle of an argument a man said to his
wife, "I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful
all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain…
"… The good Lord made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted
to you!"
– RULE: In any argument a woman has the last word. –
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
– Never argue with an idiot – they drag you down to
their level then beat you with experience.
The Pinnacle of Funny Argument Jokes:
The Monty Python Sketch: The Argument
We here at Quotescoop.com are great Monty Python fans and no
jokes section on arguments would be complete without the classic
hilariously funny sketch, The Argument, by John Cleese and
Michael Palin.
This funny joke is by no means short, however, we really
recommend that you read it all.
Monty Python is a true master of words and funny phrases. And
you can just hear every single funny phrase is so well-thought
through. No words are random! This is a true art piece of really
funny jokes:
Let jump right into the sketch where all the fun starts:
Michael Palin goes into a room, 12A. John Cleese is sitting
behind a desk.
Michael Palin: Is this the right room for an
argument?
John Cleese: (pause) I've told you once.
Michael Palin: No you haven't!
John Cleese: Yes I have.
Michael Palin: When?
John Cleese: Just now.
Michael Palin: No you didn't!
John Cleese: Yes I did!
Michael Palin: You didn't!
John Cleese: I did!
Michael Palin: You didn't!
John Cleese: I'm telling you, I did!
Michael Palin You didn't!
John Cleese: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm
sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Michael Palin: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just
the five minutes.
John Cleese: Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
Michael Palin: You most certainly did not!
John Cleese: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most
definitely told you!
Michael Palin: Oh no you didn't!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did!
Michael Palin: Oh no you didn't!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did!
Michael Palin: Oh no you didn't!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did!
Michael Palin: Oh no you didn't!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did!
Michael Palin: Oh no you didn't!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did! (very fast)
Michael Palin: Oh no you didn't!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did!
Michael Palin: No you DIDN'T!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did!
Michael Palin: No you DIDN'T!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did!
Michael Palin: No you DIDN'T!
John Cleese: Oh yes I did!
Michael Palin: Oh look, this isn't an argument!
(pause)
John Cleese: Yes it is!
Michael Palin: No it isn't!
(pause)
Michael Palin: It's just contradiction!
John Cleese: No it isn't!
Michael Palin: It IS!
John Cleese: It is NOT!
Michael Palin: You just contradicted me!
John Cleese: No I didn't!
Michael Palin: You DID!
John Cleese: No no no!
Michael Palin: You did just then!
John Cleese: Nonsense!
Michael Palin: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
John Cleese: No it isn't!
Michael Palin: Yes it is!
(pause)
I came here for a good argument!
John Cleese: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an
argument!
Michael Palin: An argument isn't just contradiction.
John Cleese: Well! it CAN be!
Michael Palin: No it can't! An argument is a connected series
of statement intended to establish a proposition.
John Cleese: No it isn't!
Michael Palin: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
John Cleese: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a
contrary position!
Michael Palin: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".
John Cleese: Yes it is!
Michael Palin: No it isn't!
John Cleese: Yes it is!
Michael Palin: No it isn't!
John Cleese: Yes it is!
Michael Palin: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual
process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of
anything the other person says.
John Cleese: It is NOT!
Michael Palin: It is!
John Cleese: Not at all!
Michael Palin: It is!
DING! The John Cleese hits a bell on his desk and stops.
John Cleese: Thank you, that's it.
Michael Palin: (stunned) What?
John Cleese: That's it. Good morning.
Michael Palin: But I was just getting interested!
John Cleese: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Michael Palin: That was never five minutes!!
John Cleese: I'm afraid it was.
Michael Palin: (leading on) No it wasn't…..
(pause)
John Cleese: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue
any more.
Michael Palin: WHAT??
John Cleese: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to
pay for another five minutes.
Michael Palin: But that was never five minutes just now!
(pause … John Cleese raises his eyebrows)
Oh Come on! Oh this is… This is ridiculous!
John Cleese: I told you… I told you, I'm not allowed to
argue unless you PAY!
Michael Palin: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays
again.) There you are.
John Cleese: Thank you.
Michael Palin: (clears throat) Well…
John Cleese: Well WHAT?
Michael Palin: That was never five minutes just now.
John Cleese: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless
you've paid!
Michael Palin: Well I just paid!
John Cleese: No you didn't!
Michael Palin: I DID!!!
John Cleese: YOU didn't!
Michael Palin: I DID!!!
John Cleese: YOU didn't!
Michael Palin: I DID!!!
John Cleese: YOU didn't!
Michael Palin: I DID!!!
John Cleese: YOU didn't!
Michael Palin: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't
want to argue about it!
John Cleese: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
Michael Palin: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you
arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
John Cleese: (pause) No you haven't!
Michael Palin: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have
paid.
John Cleese: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare
time.
Hope you enjoyed this prime example of really funny jokes.
And just to spoil you, here you have the whole Monty Python
Sketch on video:
Really Funny Old People Jokes
Let's end this journey with some funny jokes about old
people. Such really funny jokes are also called over the hill
jokes.
So join our efforts of making getting old, fun!
– Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says: "Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches
and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Below are more funny jokes on old people.
– A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It’s perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
– An elderly couple was attending a church service,
about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just did a
silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a
new battery in your hearing aid."
– Old man: "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several
times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." Doc: "That's not
senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down!"
– Three old buddies are out for a walk.
Old guy no. 1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Old guy no. 2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Old guy no. 3 says, "So am I. Let's go get milk shake."
-Three old ladies are walking down the street. They
are hard of hearing.
One: "Whew, it's windy today!"
Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"
Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!
If you're in doubt as to whether you fit in this old people
category you can take this funny old people test:
You know you're getting older when …
– A 'late night' now ends at 11 PM
– An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
– Conversations with people your own age often turn into
"dueling ailments."
– Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
– Getting a little action means you don't need to take a
laxative.
– Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
– Happy hour is a nap.
– It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
– The candles cost more than the cake.
– You are proud of your lawn mower.
– You don't remember being absent minded.
– You keep repeating yourself.
– You keep repeating yourself.
– Your back goes out more than you do.
Where Would You Like to Go Next?
Great Jokes
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'Confucius Say' Jokes
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