Welcome to this big page filled with funny car jokes! Thinking how important automobiles are to the Western way of life, the amount of funny jokes and good driving jokes to be found is relatively small – there are not all that many; and they’re not all that funny.
Funny Driving Jokes: What's Wrong?
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is
that you end up at work.
Nobody knows exactly how many cars there are in the world,
total, but an estimate says that there are between 800 million
and one billion passenger cars and light trucks on the roads,
worldwide. A number that is actually rising fairly fast because
more cars are arriving quickly in India and Asia, most
particularly China.
That's a lot of cars.
And a lot of pollution.
A good thing, then, is that the automobile industry is
(slowly) moving toward hybrid cars and hydrogen cars with a much
better carbon footprint.
Those can be pretty cool, too, you know. Just look at this
one:
Anyways, at Quotescoop.com we want to entertain you as best
we can, so we have gone though an awful lot of jokes about
driving and automobile jokes and to find the best ones.
This page displays our selection of the very best and most
entertaining automotive humor we are aware of.
Have fun!
Great Car Jokes and Funny Driving Jokes:
Eddie Shouts
Eddie was driving down the road and met a car coming
the other way.
Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the
oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted
'Pig'.
Astonished, the other driver looked in his rear view mirror
and swore at Eddie.
Then his car hit the pig.
Well, there you go. Not everybody has your worst interests at
heart! And sometimes when you help people your help is what gets
them into trouble.
Ah, the irony of life.
Next, here are a few short funny car jokes:
Funny Jokes about Cars: What You Learn When You Drive
You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.
Hilarious Automobile Jokes: Cross Pollination
What do you get when you put a car and a pet together
?
Carpet!
Entertaining Jokes about Driving: A Stiff Joke
What’s the difference between a Hummer and a
hedgehog?
Well, with the hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.
Okay, so not all the jokes here at Quotescoop.com are what
you might call clean jokes.
In the absence of that, here's the last of those short funny
jokes – a sort of cleaning joke:
Witty Jokes about Cars: Harley vs Vacuum Cleaner
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a
vacuum cleaner?
With a vacuum cleaner, the dirt bag is on the inside.
And while we're at it, here are another couple of
Very Funny Jokes that aren't exactly very funny clean jokes:
Funny Driving Jokes: Smart Kid in the Know
A family of three are driving behind a garbage truck
when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the
mother turns around and says
"Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "Was it? Wow! I'm surprised
it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
Amusing Automotive Humor and Car Fun: Wise 4-Year-Old
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter
in the van and honked his car horn by mistake.
She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant
look on her face.
Seeing her look at him he said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "Oh, yes, I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How did you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!'
afterwards!"
Up until now we have been presenting you with mostly short
funny jokes about driving.
However, automotive humor is diverse, and not all our car
jokes are short; some of our driving jokes are very funny long
jokes.
Some of the longer automobile jokes we are about to present
might even make you think a bit – which is totally unnecessary,
of course.
Without further ado, here are a few of those:
Humorous Driving Jokes: The Blonde and the Bank
A blonde walks into a bank in central New York City
and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the
bank; she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and
the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,
"Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in central New York City can
I park my Rolls for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to
be there when I return?"
Funny Jokes: Joan Gets Car Privileges
Mom and dad had just given their teenage daughter,
Joan, family-car privileges.
The following Saturday Joan was allowed to take the car to a
party, and in addition to the usual don't-be-home-too-late
admonishments she had been given one about
don't-drink-and-drive.
Joan was a sensible girl. On Saturday night she stayed away
from alcohol, but had lots of fun anyway. Lots of fun.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get
the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and
her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last
night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied, perhaps a tad nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I shall
certainly have to talk with the paperboy about not placing my
morning paper under the tire of the car."
Great Automobile Jokes: Two Holy Men Collide
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident.
They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of
the road. The Rabbi looks at the smashed cars and says, "Oy vey!
What a wreck, what a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says,
"Here, drink some of this. It will calm your nerves." The Rabbi
takes a swig and shakes his head ruefully, still looking at the
cars. They are severely damaged. "Oh, but this will be sooo
expensive!" he says.
"Yeah, well, it's just money, rabbi. Have another swig; in
fact you can drink the whole bottle if you like."
The rabbi nods and drinks most of the bottle, never taking
his eyes off the broken cars. Then he turns to the priest and
says, "What are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what you're going to
be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one
drinking."
Good to know that some folks out there use their brain while
driving (and crashing).
Here another one that might fall under the heading car jokes
about driving, but really, it's hardly one of the jokes about
cars at all, it's more of those sometimes funny, and most of the
time not-so funny barbie jokes:
Hilarious Jokes about Driving: Barbie Joke
One day a guy was driving home when he suddenly
realized that it was his daughter's birthday and – or dear! – he
hadn't bought anything for her. So, he pulls into the parking
lot of the next shopping mall he passes, finds a toy store and
asks for "A Barbie Doll for my daughter."
The shop assistant looks at him in a slightly condescending
manner and asks, "All right Sir, which Barbie would that be?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have
Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at
$19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym
at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at
$249.99."
The man can't help himself and asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie
$249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?"
"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's
car …
While researching jokes about cars, transport jokes and truck
humor for this page, we came across another one of those
short funny jokes that compare stuff (or people) to other
stuff.
We might have put it up with the other short funny car jokes,
but why not just put it in here for the fun of it, what with
variation being the spice of life and all that:
Fabulous Jokes about Cars: Car Insurance Joke
What's the difference between a car insurance company
and a Mafia don?
A car insurance company can tell you how many people will die
this year, but a Mafia don, well, he can also tell you every one
of their names.
What follows next is first are a couple of the few funny
truck jokes we found which are actually funny, and then we'll be
back with a few general driving jokes and automotive jokes …
Comical Automotive Humor: An Amusing Truck Joke
A grizzled old trucker was eating in a truck stop
when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first biker
walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old
man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
A moment later the second biker walked up to the old man,
spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the
counter.
The third biker walked up to the old man, turned over the old
man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the
diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, that old coot, he was not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he
just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles and drove off."
Another Funny Car Joke: Clever Truckers
A truck with two truckers was had just passed through
small town and was driving on the back roads on the way to a
slightly bigger town when they came to an overpass with a sign
that read CLEARANCE 11'2".
So, they got out and measured their rig. It was 12'3".
"What do you think?" the passenger trucker asked the driver.
The driver looked around carefully, got in the truck and thin
shifted into first as he said, "Well, there's not a cop in
sight. Let's take a chance!"
Yep, like most other kinds of humor automotive humor relies
on the element of surprise. Here's another couple of
surprisingly funny auto jokes:
Ridiculous Driving Jokes: Reckless Driving
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and
out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath
into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic, very seriously affected. I could
get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a blood sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just step out of the car and walk this white
line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
LOL Jokes about Cars: Jill's Old Car
Jill's car was old and unreliable and she called John
for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet
another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Yeah, all right, where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"Okay, and where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
And now we are nearing the end of this car jokes and
automotive humor collection. We hope you've had fun.
For the grand finale we're going to present you with one of
those situations that are so almost-realistic that you can just
see it before your inner eye:
Witty Automobile Jokes: Just Being Honest …
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear
view mirror pulls to the side of the road. Shortly after coming
to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an
hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!" (The man gives
wife dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail
light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for
weeks!" (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not
wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the
car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!"
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud,
can't you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
And so the wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk."
Thanks for reading. If you like car humor, here are a couple
of links to some closely related pages to this page:
Where Would You Like to Go Next?
More Car Related Funny Stuff
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Quotes on Car Insurance and Great, Real Quotes on Auto
Insurance from Insurance Claims
Great Jokes
Short Funny Jokes
'Confucius Say' Jokes
Funny One Liners
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